


Slanderous Scheme

by YaoiLuvr4Lyfe



Series: Slanderous Scheme [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loneliness, M/M, Multi, Self-Esteem Issues, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2018-08-31 09:18:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8572825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YaoiLuvr4Lyfe/pseuds/YaoiLuvr4Lyfe
Summary: Jayke Winston has an unrequited, irrevocable, frustrating, irresistible, desperate crush on his three older brothers. Only, a crush warrants the idea that you can get rid of it, that it's not forever. A crush symbolises a time for growth, something that can be forgotten eventually. This is... definitely not a crush. In fact, Jayke would go as far as to call it love. Which is sickening because what freak could possibly have such feelings for his brothers?  Well, him, of course, because this is Jayke. Mr I-am-a-loner-at-school, and Sir my-best-friend-is-a-border-collie, and Professor life-is-shit-but-that's-the-best-it-gets. He's stuck in a world of pain and loneliness, and it looks like this world will forever be the one he resides in, because it's not a 'crush.' It's love. unrequited, irrevocable, frustrating, irresistible, desperate love.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> Welcome to another incest story, by YaoiLuvr4Lyfe. If you're new to this username, you'll find more of my works on Wattpad, under the same name, as well as another incest story on this Archive of our Own account, under the series title 'Thirteen.'
> 
> If you're new to this story, welcome to Jayke Winston's very troublesome life. This was originally posted on Wattpad, but after Wattpad took down all my incest stories because of the, well, incest, I have (finally) decided to re-post here. 
> 
> If you've read the original version of 'Slanderous Scheme,' please REFRAIN from posting SPOILERS. They will not be tolerated. At all. Other than that, I hope you enjoy this freshly polished version of a story I've been desperate to start posting again, and am ashamed to say it will probably take me a while, because I'm still working on the 'Thirteen' series. But obviously, as this story has already been written, it WILL be completed, and hopefully before the new year. 
> 
> Thank you all for starting this journey with Jayke and his brothers (and of course, his loyal dog), and I hope you have tissues available where necessary!

**Jayke -**

Love is love. Age doesn’t matter; gender doesn’t matter; height doesn’t matter. Bloodline matters. Bloodline will _always_ matter.

“Jayke, what the _fuck_?!”                                                                                                                                    

“I-I’m sorry!” My lips quiver as I stammer an apology, pressing my back against the wall behind me. Standing before me, a sneer twisting his pink lips, is my older brother. Alek Winston, with his hands twisted into fists and his eyes narrowed into a glare, directed at me… but when was it not directed at me? In fact, I believe this look is only reserved for me. Oh, the privileges.

“You fucking should be!” Alek snarls, and the blood bubbling beneath his skin is almost visible. I hold my breath, biting back a pitiful whimper that, if it escapes, will only infuriate Alek more.

I’m not as silent as I hope, though, because Alek releases a growl, his fist swinging. I gasp, eyes widening as I duck my head, prepared for the blow. The plaster behind me cracks, directly above my shoulder which drops with relief. I slide to the side, to move, to run, but my body goes cold when Alek steps closer to me.

I can feel his hot breath on my cheek as I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, and I hold my breath when he removes his fist from the wall. It’s a terrifying thought, that my brother has such a hold on me, on my fear.

“What the hell is going on here?” Somebody hisses down the hallway. I dare a glance out the corner of my eye, catching sight of my eldest brother, Kaleb Winston. He stands shirtless and sweaty, the air-conditioner has long since stopped working, but I’m not complaining.

Relief sweeps through me when Alek steps away, crossing his arms over his chest as he glares at Kaleb who stalks toward us. I hastily step away, but Kaleb reaches out, twisting his fist in my shirt and hauling me closer, while his other hand grabs Alek’s arm, jerking him roughly.

“Mum is _sleeping_ , you little shits. Shut up!”

“Oh, get off me,” Alek snarls, pushing at Kaleb’s chest. Kaleb releases him, and their glares clash because they are both stubborn, and neither will give up. I stand rigid between them, preferring Kaleb’s frustrated touch to Alek’s angered one.

Alek’s glare transforms into a scowl when he gives up on Kaleb, turning to me instead. I press my back against the wall, hating the way his eyes narrow in disdain at the sight of me. “This stupid fuck broke my iPod!”

Kaleb’s grip in my shirt collar tightened as he turns to me. I swallow, attempting to pull away, my movements jerky and desperate as Alek takes a single, threatening step toward me. It puts us chest to chest, and my life flashes before my eyes. Hastily, I lift my hands in surrender, my mouth working by itself as I splutter.

“I’m s-sorry! Alek, I-I, it wasn’t, it wasn’t intentional!”

A barely fathomable apology. Pathetic, really.

“‘Intentional’?!” Alek snaps, shaking his head as he raises his fist again. “I’m fucking glad it wasn’t intentional, or my fist would be through your head in seconds!”

I begin to nod, my body beginning to shake in fear. It’s irrational fear, honestly. Alek, while commonly making threats to me, has never gone through with any. And I know he’s capable. I’ve seen the kids at school who have ended up on his bad side. But me… me, he won’t hurt.

That doesn’t mean his words don’t, though. And I sometimes wish he would harm me physically, because at least they _heal_. Words… words stay with you forever. They destroy you, strangling something precious within. Which is why, while knowing Alek will not physically harm me, I shake like a leaf, perched on the edge of a branch. I quiver in the wind, prepared to fall, to spiral closer and closer to the ground with every cutting word.

“Jayke,” Kaleb’s voice is hard, his eyes icy as they catch mine. I swallow, biting into my lower lip as I peer up at him. His eyes narrow, and he shakes his head. “How did you manage to break his iPod?”

It sounds condescending, and I wonder if I’m supposed to answer. When I’m silent for too long, his eyes narrow further, into slits that could cut. I internally scream at my stupidity as I hastily spit words out.

“It was an accident!” I whisper, my lips quivering. I glance to Alek, blinking widely, so hopefully, maybe, he’ll see my innoncence and sincerest apologies. “You-- You can h-have mine!”

Alek snorts, stepping away from me, like my mere presence disgusts him. “I don’t want _yours_. I want _mine_. The one you so carelessly dropped in the mutt’s bowl.”

His words makes a flash of anger pulse through me, but it’s gone in a second, and I glance down the hallway. Mindy, my loyal companion and friend – my best friend – sits patiently, her ears flat against her head. She knows the trouble I’m in, she’s been in this family long enough to know that when there is screaming, I’m in trouble.

My gaze flickers back to Alek, who continues to glare hatefully at me. “I’ll buy you a new one!”

_Yes, with what money, you idiot._

Kaleb appears pleased by that remark, releasing me. I exhale shakily, beginning to slide down the wall, but his hand shoots back out, snatching at my wrist, pulling me back upright. I gasp, stumbling forward before I manage to pin myself back against the wall. Kaleb’s eyes meet mine, and I hold my breath as they search my face.

He always does this, and I’m not sure what he’s looking for, but he never seems to find it.

“We don’t run from out problems,” he finally reminds me, his words heated and so alike Father’s.  I nod at our family’s motto. I’ve heard them almost every day since I was a little boy. Kaleb gives me a curt nod, and releases me again. “Now, settle this before the end of the day. I do not want either of you waking up with black eyes, especially while mum’s home. Understood?”

Alek scoffs, crossing his arms across his chest while raking me with a disgusted look. “Kaleb, please. I’m not going to be the one looking beaten and bruised.”

I bite into my tongue at that, barely stopping any comebacks. Alek catches sight of my lips twitching, and takes it as an instant threat as he drops his arms and steps toward me. He’s stopped by an arm swinging out of nowhere, catching him across the chest and blocking him from me.

“Can you guys fucking not? Some of us are trynna’ sleep.” My Guardian Angel, and immediate older brother, Lakyn, stands beside me, his eyes hardening as he glares at Alek. “If he said he’s sorry, he’s fucking sorry.”

Alek scowls at Lakyn, looking like he wants to say something, but instead he rolls his eyes and pins me with one more look. “Don’t walk to me. All day.”

The disgusting metallic taste of blood fills my mouth as I break into my tongue, and I hastily nod, managing a soft, “I-I won’t.”

Alek laughs humourlessly, shaking his head. “That counts as talking. Dumb fuck.”

“S-sor--” I stop myself, swallowing the mouthful of blood. It’s hard keeping a straight face after that, but I manage as Alek shakes his head once more, turning to walk down the hallway. I sigh, my shoulders dropping, only to immediately tense again when he whirls back around, pointing at me.

“I want your iPod. Something needs to distract me on the way to school.” _Because dealing with you is too painful._

His unspoken words cut deeper than deep, and my perch on the tree disappears as I begin to spiral down. I can see the ground rapidly approaching as I nod quickly, biting back into my tongue, like an idiot.

I turn around, and brush past Lakyn. I walk to Mindy, who still sits patiently, dark eyes knowing as she looks up at me. Alek’s voice startles me, but I don’t let it show as I dig my fingers into Mindy’s thick fur. It’s a personal accomplishment.

“I don’t want you to touch me, though. So, give it to Lake or Kay.”

I glance over my shoulder, catching his eye for only a second to deliver a nod. I then return to Mindy, taking her collar in hand as I tug her gently into my bedroom. She follows, her tail swinging low as I press the door shut behind me, leaning back against it.

A small, wet nose pokes at my calf, instructing me to calm down. I inhale slowly, the way mum taught me. I slide down the door, and once I’m sitting, Mindy curls up beside me, resting her head in my lap. I drop my hand between her ears, rubbing it soothingly as I tilt my head against the door.

I replay this morning’s events in my head, from waking up, my bed covers stained in small red spots-- not that I’d fallen back into that routine! But I accidentally cut at my skin while sleeping, which is only a reminder to cut my nails sooner, rather than later. I’d hastily put the sheets in the wash before clicking for Mindy, to fill her food bowl and check her water bowl.

I’d not seen Alek, too busy talking to my excited border collie at the prospect of food. Mindy, running between my legs, tail wagging as she grinned at me, was a good distraction at the best of times. In a brief interlude of joy, I’d spun around the corner into the kitchen, Mindy jumping up, performing her own interpretation of a spin, and I’d smacked right into Alek.

Alek, who’d been fiddling with his iPod, holding a piece of toast in his mouth, was not expecting his youngest brother to hit him, and I’d not been expecting my second oldest brother to be right _there_.

Which was stupid on my behalf. Growing up in this household, you always needed to expect somebody. I’d been careless, idiotic.

Alek had jerked, and I spun around, my good mood draining instantly as I watched, in slow motion really, as he fumbled, the iPod slipping from his fingers, going airborne. And then it hit Mindy’s water bowl.

My first instinct was to disappear. I spun, beginning down the hallway, back to my haven, when Jayke grabbed my shoulder, spinning me around and pinning me to the wall.

Shaking my head, I release a breath. Mindy whines, staring up at me from my lap. I tilt my head down, scratching her ear, and she presses against my hand in bliss. I only scratch her for a couple of seconds, before retracting my hand and standing up. Mindy whines and rolls onto her back, staring at me as I grab my school uniform from the back of my chair.

“Come on, missy.” I tug my jeans on, as they were the only freedom our school gave us, eyeing Mindy as she rolls onto her stomach and pushes herself up. “We can’t hang around in here all day.”

She jumps onto my bed, and I sit on the edge to pull my shoes and socks on. Mindy paws at my window frame when I stand up, and I laugh softly, leaning over the bed to lift the window up with a heave. Fresh air blows into my stale room, and I shut my eyes against the breeze, relieved to feel it against my clammy skin. I open my eyes, smiling at the lush grass and the shrubs, and the few trees that line our back fence. The backyard isn’t that big, but it’s a reasonable size for Mindy, and Kaleb takes her around the block a couple times a day, to give her the proper exercise a dog of her breed needs.

But I still worry it’s not quite enough.

There’s no fly wire behind my window, and long ago mum and I rolled a large barrel next to my window, for these exact occasions. Mindy jumps onto it, and then onto the grass outside. I lean against the window frame, watching her for a moment. I wish I could be free like her. No responsibilities, no brothers. Not disappointing anybody, no expectations.

 _Don’t be stupid_ , I silently chide myself as I straighten, grabbing my blouse. I slide my fleece shirt over my head, and replace it with the blouse. Standing up, I grab the black headband from my bedside table, slipping into my hair. It didn’t do much, only pinning back half of the hair I wanted out of my face. But haircuts were a luxury, and I’d made the mistake of cutting my hair once.

I sigh, hoisting my school bag onto my desk and filling it with the books I will need for the day. My schedule is pinned to the wall, but I don’t need to look at it anymore. I learnt it by heart a long time ago, like the way I could learn a lot of my text book chapters by heart.

Once everything is packed, I prop my bag against the wall beside my door. I glance around my room, at a loss as to what to do now. I take a seat on the edge of my bed, inhaling slowly. Sometimes… sometimes it’s good to take a moment, a moment to find myself before school. I don’t like mixing my home life and school life together. At school, everybody ignores me. A couple of girls will talk to me in class, or ask how my day is going, but otherwise I’m ignored. At home, I’m ignored, but only when I’m not needed. If somebody needs to yell, or to rant, they’ll come find me.

The torturous sting of tears makes me blink, and I straighten my shoulders. I can hear Father’s words in my head, as he shouts at me for crying over something pathetic.

_If you’re weak, you’re worthless. If you’re weak, there’s no point in you living._

Those were his favourite words, before he left for the army. Those, and ‘we don’t run from our problems.’ A classic Winston saying.

I scowl at the blankets beneath me, twisting my fingers into them. It’s no lie, or secret, that I’m the disappointment in this family. My brothers are all strong. They take the crap people deal them, and they fuck it up so much it comes out as designer crap. They twist a bad situation into something that will work in their favour, because they can’t afford to be weak or vulnerable.

Me, on the other hand, cowers at the sight of trouble. I hold it out at arm’s length, I wait for it jump at me, to eat me, like the monster under my bed, or in my head. And if it didn’t hurt me, I’d pull it apart, I’d analyse it and conclude how to get rid of it in the least destructive way, because life didn’t require violence.

If my brothers ever heard me say that, they’d laugh in my face.

A sharp knock on the door makes me jump, and I hastily stand up, striding across the room to open the door. Kaleb stands on the other side of the door, one arm raised and propped against the frame. He raises an eyebrow at me and I wet my lips, opening the door so he can enter.

His eyes are hard as he steps past me and, if I’m a good enough judge, he’s pissed.

“Jayke,” his voice is neutral as he comes to stand beside me. His proximity, his breath on me, warm and gentle, with bright, glowing eyes-- I feel myself grow hard. My body grows tense and I take a step away. Kaleb levels something akin to a glare at me, and I bite into my lower lip as I curse myself and my stupid, irrevocable love for my brothers.

“Jayke,” Kaleb speaks again, and he grabs my wrist. “You need to leave soon, and you’ve not eaten. Hurry.”

I nod, murmuring an apology as I twist away from him, grabbing for my bag and heading out of the room. Only to return a second later to snatch up my own iPod from its charger. Kaleb raises an unamused eyebrow at me as I hold it out to him, but he takes it from me.

“Could you, uh, give it to Alek…please?”

Kaleb sighs in exasperation, stepping past me. He turns around before leaving my room, and gives me a pointed look.

“We need to have a chat before you leave,” he says, and then leaves down the hall.

I bite my lip, nodding to his back as I snatch up my school tie from my bedpost and whistle for Mindy. A blur of black and white speeds across the grass, and then her lithe body is propelling in through my open window. I smile at her as she curls up by my pillow, staring up at me through her dark brown eyes. I squat down beside the bed, running my fingers through her fur.

“Good girl.” I press a chaste kiss to her muzzle. “I’ll see you later.”

I snatch my bag up again as I leave, keeping my door open a crack. I dump my bag by the front door before knocking on mum’s door, soft enough so I won’t disturb her if she’s sleeping. Turning the doorhandle, I poke my head inside, catching sight of her huddled beneath a mountain of blankets. I enter her room, stepping across the room past her strewn clothing. She blinks up at me when I bend down beside the bed, and I reach into her cacoon of blankets to take her hand.

“Good morning.” I lean down, pressing a kiss to her cheek. Mum smiles, yawning as she squeezes my hand. It’s a comforting touch, one of the only comforting touches anybody in this family gives me. She releases my hand, reaching up to touch my cheek, and I shiver at her cold fingertips, but I don’t pull away.

“Good morning baby boy,” she whispers, her voice hoarse. It’s always been hoarse, if I can remember, and it sings home to me. I nod against her palm, closing my eyes for a moment to absorb her nurturing. God knows I’ll need it to get through today. “Have a good day, baby. And, please, don’t fight with your brothers.”

“I won’t,” I promise, even though I’ve already broken it. “I love you.”

 Her eyes flutter as sleep beckons her back under. Her hand slips from my cheek and I tuck the blankets over her as she whispers, “I love you, too.”

I lean down, pressing a kiss to her cheek before pulling away and leaving. I close the door quietly and stand there for a moment. I take a deep breath, composing myself before walking into the kitchen. Tension rises as soon as I step inside, which is no surprise, considering my brothers all get along wonderfully, until I show up.

Lakyn stands at the stove top, shirtless as he cooks eggs. I walk over to him, filling a glass with water and drinking it on the spot. Lakyn glances to me, a cigarette angled from his mouth, smoke wafting from it.

“You going to school?” He tugs the stick from his mouth, blowing a circle of smoke. The smoke rises, making my eyes sting and water. I wave it away, tilting my head in confirmation.

“I always go to school,” I remind him, placing my glass in the sink. Lakyn shrugs. He dropped out two years ago, said he could be doing better shit than the things the no-good-school was teaching him. And he is today, reeling in a fair bit of money from his job as a chef at a local pub.

“Is Alek?”

I shrug, turning away. Why would I know that? Lakyn huffs, pressing the cigarette between his lips so he can touch my shoulder. I shudder at his touch, and step away. Lakyn blinks in shock, and I lift my gaze to his, hating how dark and lewd his are as they stare deep into my soul. I’m surprised he can’t see everything, all my turmoil, my fears. He has no idea the power he holds over me. None of them do.

Lakyn finally blinks, releasing me from the trance.

“It’s not your fault, you know.” He drags the cigarette out and I roll my eyes and my shoulders. I glance to Alek, who sits at the table, ignoring us as he flicks through my iPod, his earphones in. His uniform is on, but it’s hardly a uniform with the way the top three buttons of his blouse are undone, and his tie hangs halfway down his shirt. I internally groan, not wanting to harden anymore, because it’ll become obvious. He wears low-riding jeans that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination, and his hair is tussled. His attire is complemented by a lolly pop hanging between his lips. My mouth goes dry.

“Of course it’s my fault,” I finally mutter, turning around to grab Lakyn a couple of plates as he finishes scrambling eggs. Lakyn shakes his head, filling the plates and taking them to the table. I follow, avoiding Alek’s eye as he looks up. He scowls, tugging his earphones out when Lakyn leans over him, setting a plate down in front of him.

“What have I told you,” Alek snapped, leaning up to tug the stick from between Lakyn’s lips. “Don’t smoke. You’ll die.”

Lakyn rolls his eyes, tugging Alek’s lolly pop from between his own lips. “And what have I told you? Don’t suck on these before breakfast. You’ll ruin your teeth. And lose your appetite.”

Alek rolls his eyes, snatching the lolly back as Lakyn puts his lips around the cigarette, which Alek still holds. He sucks from it, and then blows into Alek’s face. Alek curses, waving his hand frantically in front of his face as he crushes the cigarette between his fingers, much to Lakyn’s dismay. 

“Those things will destroy your lungs. Smoke is bad enough, but fire is worse and if you set this house on fire, you’re buying a new one.”

Lakyn smirks, sitting down as Kaleb walks into the kitchen, tugging on a shirt. He takes one look at the three of us before rolling his eyes.

“Can we not go five seconds without fighting?”

Lakyn leans back in his chair. “Alek started it.”

Kaleb grunts, sitting down between Alek and I, digging into his eggs. “I don’t give a shit who started it, don’t fuckin’ do it.”

Lakyn continues to smirk as he drags a lighter and another cigarette from his pocket. “All righty. Well, we need some more eggs.”

Kaleb grunts again, and leans across the table, snatching the cigarette from Lakyn’s hands before he can light it. “Right, well stop smoking those damn things and maybe we can afford eggs.” Kaleb scowls at the cigarette between his fingers, his eyes flickering to Lakyn as he puts it on the table. “Has nobody told you this kills?”

Lakyn huffs, taking a mouthful of eggs. “We all die eventually. Maybe I’m just helping the process.”

Kaleb grimaces, but doesn’t comment on it, and everybody tucks into their eggs, not saying anything more. Alek finishes first, dumping his plate in the sink and shouting a goodbye as he heads out the door. He’s not heading to school yet, it’s too early, but he’s probably going to catch up with friends.

Kaleb finishes next, and rinses his plate and Alek’s at the sink, stacking them in the drying rack. He then disappears, the front door slamming a moment later. I frown, glancing at the clock. He’s not expected at work just yet.

“He’s gone to get Alek,” Lakyn provides, and I raise an eyebrow, poking at my eggs. “He’s sulking out the front.”

“Sulking?” I murmur as Lakyn stands up, taking his own plate to the sink.

“He’s lost his iPod, of course he’s sulking.”

I cringe at that, and Lakyn shakes his head, turning to me. He leans against the bench behind him, crossing his arms as he levels his eyes on me.

“I thought I told you it’s not your fault?” He queries, and I sigh, bringing another forkful of eggs to my mouth.

“If it’s not my fault, why is he ignoring me?”

Lakyn shrugs, pulling another cigarette from his pocket, lighting it and pressing it between his lips. “Big brothers are assholes.”

I don’t correct him, standing up and carrying my plate to the sink. Lakyn shakes his head, catching my wrist before I dump the eggs.

“You need to eat that.”

“I’m not hungry.”

Lakyn raises an eyebrow. “I don’t believe it for a second.” He points to the table. “Go and sit. And eat.”

I sigh, turning back to the table as the front door opens and Kaleb and Alek walk back in. Alek scowls as he storms into his bedroom, slamming his door behind him. Kaleb ignores him, stepping into the kitchen. His eyes fall on me as I’m sitting down, and he takes a seat beside me.

“You need to be careful,” he says, out of the blue. I glance at him. His eyes are dark and serious. I return to my eggs, giving a short nod.

“I’m sorry.”

Kaleb shakes his head. “I don’t want an apology.”

I breathe in deeply, feeling the air in my lungs expand, and for a second I wish I would suffocate. Give them all the peace they deserve. Kaleb is still looking at me, and I nod again, bringing another mouthful of eggs to my mouth.

“I’ll be more careful.”

“Good.” Kaleb leans back in his chair, turning to Lakyn who stands at the bench, now drinking water. He beckons for him with the crook of his finger, and Lakyn rolls his eyes, walking over. Kaleb reaches up, tugging the cigarette from between Lakyn’s lips, and pressing it to his own. I blink, my fork dropping to the plate. God, if that wasn’t hot, nothing ever would be.

I hastily finish the eggs, downing them like they’re blades going down my throat. I stand, taking the plate to the sink and then I turn, ready to leave. Lakyn’s sitting beside Kaleb now, but Kaleb grabs my wrist as I attempt to pass him.

“Do you have lunch?”

“Yes,” I lie, automatically.

Kaleb arches a brow at me. “You do? What is it?”

“A sandwich.” Another lie. I attempt to twist from his hold, but Kaleb is strong and effortlessly tugs me closer as he stands. He pulls me into the hall, where he snatches up my backpack, and I cringe. “Kaleb, I’m already running late--”

“Bullshit.” He growls, bringing me and my bag into the kitchen, where Lakyn is back to sucking on his cigarette. “It’s barely seven thirty, you have an hour until school starts, and it’s a ten-minute walk.”

I bite my lower lip. “Yes, but I have a morning class.” I’m surprised my nose hasn’t grown. Kaleb ignores me as he opens my bag one handed, digging past my books. I hold my breath when he moves onto the next section, and I tug uselessly against his hold. “I can’t fall behind.”

Kaleb snorts, his icy eyes flickering to me, pinning me. “Fall behind?”

Lakyn laughs, shaking his head. “Did I hear that right, or have I had too many cigs?”

Kaleb didn’t find that funny, but he chose to ignore him as he glared at me. “Jayke, you’re at the top of all your classes. You are not falling behind.”

Lakyn nods, “our little genius.”

I shake my head, hating the thrill that rushes through me at hearing him refer to me as ‘our little genius.’ Like... Like I belong to them.

“I’m… I’m not that smart,” I murmur.

“No,” Kaleb agrees. “No genius would think they could lie to me and get away with it.” He zips my bag up and my heart sinks. He pulls a chair out and dumps my bag next to it as he released my wrist, pointing. “Sit.”

I sigh, ducking my head as I shuffle past him. Kaleb swats my behind, and I gasp, turning around as I fall back against the seat. I won’t admit to the small tingle that passes up my spine. Kaleb mutters under his breath as he turns around, grabbing bread and peanut butter from the cupboard.

Lakyn leans forward as Kaleb smears the bread, and I lean away. I don’t want to be told off again, and while leaning away won’t prevent it, it might pause it.

“You know lying pisses him off,” Lakyn blows smoke from his mouth, “and who has to deal with him while you’re at school? Me.”

I bite my lip. “Sorry.”

Lakyn rolls his eyes, muttering, “bullshit.”

“Lakyn, stop pestering him.” Kaleb growls, returning to the table. He places a sandwich covered in glad wrap in front of me, and leans in to take Lakyn’s cigarette. “And stop smoking this shit.”

“Fuck off,” Lakyn groans, pulling a packet from his pocket. Kaleb shakes his head, snatching it from his grip and turning away. Lakyn’s jaw drops, and he stands, following Kaleb as he places them at the top of the fridge. An easy reach for all of us, but the thought of pushing past Kaleb is a turn off.

Kaleb turns around, levelling a glare at Lakyn, who glares right back. I watch, tucking the sandwich into my bag. It’s incredibly rare to see two of my brothers fighting. If this warrants as a fight. Maybe just a simple argument. Barely any steam to it. Kaleb finally jerks his head, and Lakyn scowls.

“Go and take a shower.”

 Lakyn doesn’t argue, but his stomping makes it clear he’s not happy. Kaleb doesn’t tell him off for it, though, and instead turns around to pour himself a cup of coffee. I begin to stand, now that I do have food, but Kaleb pushes me back into my chair as he takes the one next to me.

“Do you think it’s funny? Making us worry about your lack of eating?” His words are growled, but perfectly articulated. I swallow thickly, shaking my head. Kaleb scowls. “Answer me.”

“No.” I force out, my eyes flickering to him before diverting. “No. I don’t think it’s funny.”

“Are you sure?” He snaps, “because it looks like you fucking enjoy it.”

“I don’t.” Which is true. If I knew how to not make them angry, I would.

Kaleb stares hard at me, and then he stood, taking his coffee with him. He stops at the doorway, turning to pin me with a glower. “I expect that sandwich to be eaten. Understood?”

I nod quickly, mumbling a quiet affirmative under my breath as he turns, disappearing into his own bedroom. The door slams behind me, almost as violently as Alek’s. I sigh, sitting there for a moment longer before standing up, hiking my bag over my shoulder.

I leave quietly, closing the front door gently, hoping to not disturb mum. I walk to the park opposite the school, and sit on one of the swings. Reaching into my bag, I pull out the sandwich. The thought of eating now, after that morning, makes me want to vomit. I rip the sandwich into small pieces and toss it to the birds who flutter nearby.

At least they’ll appreciate it more so than I, and it won’t be going to waste.

Once the sandwich is gone, I lean back, gazing at the sky. The small, scarce puffs of white remind me of myself, lost and alone, roaming the wide earth until they eventually disappear. Such a pathetic life, really.


	2. Chapter Two

**Jayke**

School is worse than home. Because of one boy-- and how pathetic is that? At home, three people hate me (or, barely tolerate me), but at school one student loathes me, and suddenly it’s worse than home?

That’s because it’s not just _any_ student. It’s Jessup Smallston, aka Alek’s best friend, and my ex-boyfriend. I don’t know if ‘ex-boyfriend’ is the correct terminology, because we only went out for a week, and then he told Dad I was gay and broke up with me, aka broke my nose and told Alek I, small, skinny, acne-covered me, attacked him first.

Of course, this was years ago, when I was thirteen and he was sixteen, and he wasn’t much larger than me then. Now, though, he’s _huge_. Tall, bulky, and with possibly the worst attitude I’d ever encountered. Jessup is now nineteen, having to repeat a year, like Alek, which only strengthened their bond. Another commonality is their stupidity, except Alek’s is fake.

It drives me insane, to know that all three of my brothers are considerably smart, but they choose to do average, they choose to be average. They could be exploring the world, but instead two of them are constantly working, and another is flunking all his classes.

“Winston!”

A couple of students around me cringe, and I sigh, ducking my head as I open my locker. It’s full to brim with books, both for school and over-due library ones. I hastily shove in the ones from last period, and snatch my bag out. I’m barely quick enough before my locker door slams shut. I yelp, withdrawing my hand and glancing up at Jessup, who leers down at me.

“I’m talking to you.” He growls, and I step away. Jessup scoffs, leaning his shoulder on my locker. “You’re not afraid of me, are you?”

I don’t respond, lifting my bag onto my shoulder. I bite harder into my lower lip as I slowly lean forward, reaching past his arm to lock my locker. Jessup smirks, and catches my wrist, dragging me closer. I gasp, eye widening as his face swoops down, so, so close to mine--

“Hey!”

Jessup shoves me away, and I go flying. I hit the ground, palms first, as Alek storms past me. He grabs Jessup’s arm.

“What the fuck, man?”

Jessup frowns, pulling his arm from Alek’s grip. “What?”

“What the fuck were you doing, planting one on my brother?”

Jessup laughs. Loudly. I cringe, slowly pushing myself to my feet. Jessup’s dark, fiery eyes snap to me, and I squeeze the strap of my bag. I hate him. Students passing by glance at us as Jessup shakes his head, still laughing.

“Mate,” he finally manages, clapping Alek on the shoulder, “why would I want to kiss your brother? That’s disgusting. Fucking gross.”

Alek doesn’t seem to believe him, and arches a brow. Jessup sighs, wrapping his arm around Alek’s shoulder. “You know your brother’s a fag, right? He tried planting one on _me_.”

I flinch at the word, but Alek doesn’t blink as he hums under his breath. My lips twitch. I want to tell him Jessup is lying, that he tried to kiss me, but Alek doesn’t know Jessup and I are exes, none of my brothers do. Dad never told them, only Mum, who didn’t care. Dad didn’t want me to influence them with my ways.

Little does he know, they don’t pay anywhere near enough attention to me for me to influence them.

Alek gives me the side eye, but then he turns with Jessup and walks away. He only calls over his shoulder, “Jess and I are going out first, so head home on your own.”

Not like we ever go home together, anyway.

I lick my lips and turn away. I don’t realise I’m running until I push past the school doors and a couple of kids shout at me to ‘watch it.’ I ignore them, passing the school gates at a sprint. My fingers are beginning to tremble, as I replay Jessup’s intrusion on my day. School is easy for me, I don’t really have friends, but I like spending time in the library, reading new books and expanding my knowledge. The only bad thing is Jessup, and I thought, wished I would get through the day without seeing him. Nope.

My feet slap the cement, and the wind begins to scream in my ears as I slow to a jog, crossing the road without looking for traffic. Stupid, really. But who will care if a car hits me? I wouldn’t. My arms burn as I slow to a fast walk, the wind continuing to scream at me, tugging at my hair. She doesn’t slow me down, though, she propels me, encouraging me to keep going. I close my eyes in bliss as she growls, a low rumble that trembles my body. It’s a sweet change from the voices at school. There’s no breeze in the building, and all the teachers insist on keeping the windows shut.

I slow to a stop as I reach the end of my street. My knuckles are white from where they grip the straps of my backpack, and my breath is short and sharp, but I’m away from Jessup, and that’s all that matters. I exhale, leaning forward to catch my breath. It’s not fair I fear Alek’s best friend. It’s not fair Dad never told them Jessup and I dated, but I guess he never cared. Didn’t want to care.

I guess I could have told them, but they’d already begun to ignore me at that stage, and Jessup was so good because he spoke to me. He _hugged_ me. Made me feel wanted.

Sighing, I stand up straight. The trees at the end of my street wave encouragingly, a smile touches my lips and I resist the urge to wave back. How pathetic, I wave to trees instead of people. I shake my head, beginning the slow walk down my street. It’s a long street, stupidly long, and our house is right at the end, but it’s the best part of the walk, because I see all the other houses, with their loving families and young children-- until we get to the second half of the street and it’s all the poor families who can barely afford the food on the table. But it’s a nice neighbourhood. Everybody looks out for each other.

The wind picks up her screaming behind me, and I huff attempting to push back, to resist her propelling. I’m curious as to why she’s so anxious today, but I enjoy her company. She continues to press, to throw herself against me, urging me to quicken my pace. I sigh fondly, and pick up my pace. The trees begin waving more enthusiastically, and I bite my lip, resisting a laugh as I begin a jog, crossing the street to run beneath the branches outside our neighbour’s houses.

They shake in encouragement and I grin, pumping my arms above my head. I surpass my house, racing down the street and around the corner. The wind follows me, and a sharp laugh escapes my mouth as I cross the road again, running toward the park. There’s a family there, two young boys, their father, and their jack Russell. I wave to their dog, but the boys wave back.

It’s strange, but not uncommon. On occasions, I wave to a dog, or a tree, and a human will often wave back. That’s all right. I enjoy their encouragement, too. I pass the park and turn another corner, but then the wind isn’t propelling me anymore. She’s slamming against my chest, slowing me right down. I come to a stop, and lean heavily on my knees as I pant.

I squint against her, uncertain as to why she’s slamming into me, urging me backward. Normally, the breeze would urge me backward, but never this harshly. In fact, she isn’t here. Which probably meant--

“Jayke!”

I snap upright, squinting into the wind. That sounds an awful lot like--

“Jayke!”

I frown, attempting to take a step forward, but the wind screams louder, forcing me to take a step backward instead.

“Jayke, you brat. Look at me!”

I spin around, certain the voice is coming from there. My breath catches in my throat, and I’m not sure if I’m surprised or shocked to see Kaleb’s old, beat up truck. Leaning out the window is said brother, waving at me. I flush, embarrassed I didn’t hear him. I walk over to him, and he jerks his thumb at the passenger seat.

“Get in the car,” he snaps. I blink, continuing to stand there. Kaleb scowls. “It’s about to rain. I went to pick you up from school, but you were gone.”

I open my mouth, but I’m not sure what to say as I stupidly walk around to get in the car. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s storms. I slide into the passenger seat, squishing my bag at my feet as I turn to stare up at the sky. It’s dark, with grey clouds. Electricity sparks the air, and the car rumbles with the force of the wind.

I wonder briefly how I missed it. The wind’s done nothing but try to warm me a storm is brewing. Which explains the absence of the breeze.

I lean back in the seat, biting my lower lip as I realise I could have been caught in it. I glance at Kaleb, who puts the truck in gear, bringing it to life. It’s rumble a calming reassurance that I’m safe now.

“I saw you run past the house, and then you were gone.” Kaleb comments, pulling into our street. “Fuck, kid, you can _run_.”

I blink. “Oh. Sorry.”

Kaleb shakes his head, driving into the drive-way. “I don’t want an apology.”

“Sorry.” I sigh, and Kaleb grumbles under his breath. I push my door open, and cringe when Kaleb opens his and slams it behind him. I hastily follow him inside when the sky growls. I kick my shoes off and trudge down the hallway, but Kaleb grabs my arm as I pass the kitchen.

“I’m going to get you some milk and biscuits.”

I don’t reply as I continue to trudge past him, to my bedroom. I’m not surprised my bedroom door is wide open, nor am I surprised to see Mindy curled up on top of my bed. She lifts her head as I enter, and I toss my bag to the wall as I fall to my knees.

“Hi,” I murmur, offering a smile to my best friend. Mindy’s tail twitches as she slides off the bed. Her tail swings steadier as she trots toward me, pressing her hot tongue to my face. I chuckle, wrapping my arms around her tightly, twisting my fingers into her fur.

I hold her for a long minute, dragging into two by the time I shift backward. Mindy sits in front of me, her tail brushing the floor. I sigh, running my fingers down her coat as I stand. I kick the door shut behind me and drag my shirt and pants off, swapping them with a long-sleeved shirt, one which won’t over-heat me, and a pair of thin sweats.

It's cooler now that the sun is going down, but still hot. But… I can’t risk my brothers seeing the white scarring. Not until it’s mostly faded, not until I think of an excuse for if they ever ask-- as if they would, though.

I click at Mindy as I open my door again, leading my deprived pup from my bedroom and flicking the light off. We enter the kitchen together, where Alek is sitting on the bench – his favourite place – chewing on a banana. I want to demand when he got home, but I shrug it off because Jessup probably drove him. I can feel Alek’s eyes on me as I duck past, but his face never changes so I assume he’s still shunning me.

I fight the ache in my chest, and swallow the lump in my chest while blinking back the sting in my eyes. How pathetic could I possible be?

Lakyn stands at the stove, shirtless with dark skinny jeans, a cigarette and a pan. I raise my eyebrows at the cigarette but don’t comment as I take a seat next to Kaleb at the table as he places a place of biscuits down and a tall glass of milk. He sits with a mug of coffee, and looks at me as I stare down at the biscuits.

“You better eat something.” He nods at my glass as he picks up a biscuit and dunks it in his coffee. I bite my lip, picking up a biscuit and dunking it in my milk before placing it in my mouth. It does wonders to my tastebuds, the feel of a soggy biscuit sitting on my tongue. I suck the moisture from it, pursing my lips, and then dunk it again.  

I continue doing the dunking and sucking until I reach the end of my biscuit, and then I lick my fingers, sucking the milk from them with a slurp. It’s not until I’ve reached for another biscuit that I realise the silence around me. I blinked, lifting my gaze to see Kaleb staring right at me. I blink a couple of times, looking over my shoulder to see Alek and Lakyn openly staring too. My cheeks begin to burn and I hastily drop my head, dropping the biscuit, trying to think of what I’ve done wrong now.

My movement seems to snap them out of their freeze, though, and Kaleb clears his throat, pushing his coffee away. He bodily turns to Alek. “How was school?” I don’t have to look at Alek to know his response. A shrug. It’s been the same response since we were young. And I don’t know why Kaleb bothers asking anymore. Kaleb presses on, though, determined and stubborn. “Learn anything?” Another shrug. Kaleb sighs. “You could be civil.”

Alek blows out through his nose, much like a horse which indicates his frustration, and jumps off the bench. “It’s school, Kaleb. It’s as boring as bat shit and I learn absolutely nothing useful.”

“Then why do you go?” Kaleb asks, raising an eyebrow. Alek scowls, glaring as he deposits his banana skin. His eyes flicker to me briefly from the bin, but then he disappears behind my back and I know they’re having one of their secret conversations.

“You know why I go.” Alek finally says, and Kaleb sighs, returning to his coffee. His eyes flicker to me as I take another biscuit, biting into it and savouring the taste. It’s then that my stomach, curse it, rumbles loudly. I bite my lower lip hard as I stare hard at the table in front of me.

Kaleb inhales sharply beside me, “any bet you haven’t eaten today.” He pushes the plate of biscuits closer to me. I pick up another one after downing the one in my hand and quickly finish off the plate, drinking my milk. I don’t say anything to Kaleb as I lick my fingers clean and he takes the plate and glass to the sink. He disappears into the hallway and I stay sitting. He returns a moment later with my school bag, and he drops it at my feet, squatting down to retrieve my books, which he dumps on the table in front of me. My heart begins to sink.

Kaleb crosses his arms over his chest. “You can start on your homework, but be done by dinner, understood?”

“Yes,” I murmur, sitting back in my chair. Lakyn, who is now stirring something in a pot and sizzling something in a pan, turns around and hands me a pen. I thank him quietly, leaning forward and pulling my first book closer to me. Lakyn watches me for a second, until Kaleb turns around and tugs the cigarette from between his lips, placing it between his own.

“I _will_ confiscate these.” Lakyn rolls his eyes and returns to the stove top.

Alek, who disappeared for a moment, returns and stands in the kitchen doorway, his shoulder against the doorframe. He shares another silent conversation with Kaleb, and then Kaleb disappears into the hallway. Alek shuffles further into the kitchen and drops my orange iPod next to me, pulling out a chair next to me and dropping into it. I tilt my head so I’m not forced to look at him, hunching my shoulders to block him out. I hear him say something, but I assume he’s talking to Lakyn since he hasn’t spoken to me since he got home.

“Bitch, I’m talking to you.” I frown, glancing past my hair to see Alek leaning against the table, rolling his eyes. I shift, sitting back in my chair to face him, still writing equations into my book.

“Pardon?”

Alek rolls his eyes again, and part of me worries about what I’ve done now to warrant it, while another part of me thinks about how incredibly attractive he looks whilst doing it.

“You have shit taste in music.”

I give a curt nod, although I oppose his opinion. My music is good for me. Just because he doesn’t like, doesn’t mean it’s ‘shit.’ I don’t say that, though, instead biting my tongue and returning my undivided attention to my homework. From the smell of dinner, it’s soup, which means it wouldn’t be long now, and I needed to finish off my homework due tomorrow – although, I could always finish in my room after dinner, if need be. Kaleb doesn’t like me working after dinner, though. I don’t know why, but I don’t question it.

“Hey, fucker,” Alek’s voice brings me back, and I give him a wary glance out the corner of my eye. “You’re off speech ban. Talk to me, don’t be a douche.”

His dark eyes catch mine, and the first thing that comes to mind is to apologise for fucking up so profusely this morning. “I’m sorry.”

Alek’s exhales through his nose, running a hand through his hair and over his face before he reaches for me. It happens so quickly, I flinch and pull back, yelping. I expect him to hit me, even though I have no reason to expect it. None of my brothers have ever hurt me in fury. Alek’s hand touches my head, his fingers sliding through my hair and ruffling it before withdrawing, almost as if I stung him. I peer up at him through my lashes, and when Alek catches my eye, he looks away. I resist the urge to frown.

“Would you stop apologising?” He shakes his head at me. “It’s frustrating.”

I don’t nod, but tilt my head a little, aware Kaleb said something similar in the truck. _Am_ I apologising too much? “Sorr-- Ah, okay.”

Alek grumbles something under his breath, several words strung together that sound like one severely long curse word. He leans back in his chair, looking to Lakyn, who twists, catching Alek’s eyes, and then returns to the task at hand. Alek grumbles under his breath again before sitting upright and reaching for my books. I begin to protest. I don’t like people touching my things, but also Alek hates school. What if he takes his hate out on my work?

Alek drags my books toward him, waving me off. “I want to see the kind of shit they give you.” He looks over my equations before spitting a curse at them, grabbing my next book. I reach for the one he’s neglected, mathematics, and tug it back towards me, returning my attention to it. Until Alek scoffs, shoving my other books away. “You’re such a nerd.”

I crack a smile, my heart thumping heavy in my chest as Alek grins lopsidedly at me, and suddenly all the equations are gone, forgotten. My immediate attention is on Alek. God, how are my brothers so _gorgeous_. I don’t understand. How were they given all the good genes, and then everything bad is tossed to me. It’s like mum and dad just wanted to have one child who could fuck up all the greatness.

As quickly as it arrives, Alek’s smile disappears. He jumps up and exits the kitchen, not heading for his bedroom, though, instead heading down the other end of the hallway, toward mine, Lakyn’s and Kaleb’s. A moment later, the unmistakable creak of Kaleb’s door sounds, and then slams shut. I glance at Lakyn, who is suddenly tense, but he glances over his shoulder and catches my eye. He doesn’t smile, but his lips twitch.

“It’s cool, Jay. It’s not you.”

 _It’s not you_. Everybody knows that is code for _it’s all your fault, you’re a fuck up, go away._

All that in three words.

I sigh, feeling the tell-tale prickle of tears, but I hate tears. They only make me feel and look weaker. I just can’t understand what the hell I am doing wrong. Why do my brothers hate me so much? Why do they feel that showing me any sign of affection is bad? Why can’t they smile at me? I like it when Kaleb bosses me around, but only because it shows he cares. I like it when Lakyn talks to me, but when he’s not, he’s ignoring me. I like it when Alek looks at me, like I’m a human and not the dirt from the bottom his shoe.

Is it because they didn’t want another brother? Did they want a sister? Do they hate me because of my gender? Or did they just not want another sibling? Am I unwanted?

Do they want me to leave? Do they want me to stay? Do they love me because I’m their baby brother, or just because mum and told them they had to? Do they even _like_ me?

With all these unwanted questions racing around my mind, I close my homework. I can’t concentrate like this. Sighing, I click to Mindy, who is curled up beneath the table. She picks herself up as soon as I do and follows on my heels as I leave the kitchen, not sparing Lakyn a second glance, and I know he doesn’t spare me one either. I trudge down the hallway, past Lakyn’s bedroom, past Kaleb’s, with the door shut and hushed voices, and then to my own. I close the door behind Mindy and I, climbing onto my bed and tearing the blinds back.

Lightning flashes almost instantly, and I stifle a yelp, leaping back. But there’s no thunder to accompany it, and the rain is still like, only just beginning to grow stronger. The wind screams and thrashes, and I feel like screaming and thrashing along with it. I know I won’t be able to keep the curtains open for long. Thunderstorms terrify me, as much as water, and I’ll have to curl up soon.

Sometimes someone will curl up with me, whether it be a reluctant brother, or mum, or maybe dad is he were here and not utterly disappointed in his young and stupid gay son.

I yelp again as more lightning flashes, this time a distant rumble accompanying it, and I hurriedly draw the curtains. My room engulfs itself in darkness, and I throw myself down on the bed, curling up on top of my blankets. A small snake of light filters into my room from beneath my door, and I glue my eyes to it. I imagine my brothers standing there, all three of them, guarding me from the storm brewing inside me.

Swallowing down my fear, I reach into the darkness. “Mindy? Come here, girl.” My voice is hoarse, and I almost don’t expect her to comply, but alas, she does. Her lithe body jumps up onto the bed beside me, and then she collapses against my stomach, her head resting on my arm as I wrap them around her, holding tight.

Mindy and I were brought into this world to guard one another, to protect each other. It’s us against the world.  


	3. Chapter Three

**Jayke -**

Thunder rumbles in the distance. The day has long since drawn to night, and I lay on my bed with Mindy tucked against my stomach. My arms are tight around her, keeping her warmth close by. She’s my small but bright beacon of hope, my source of light in the dark. She always has been.

I remember when we – well, Kaleb – found her. A small pup, abandoned in a cardboard box. Kaleb brought her home to me. She wiggled and squirmed and yipped and yowled, until he placed her in my arms. And then she transformed into this gorgeous, peaceful, sweet small pup who only needed some tender love and care.

She was, and still is, perfect. And I can only hope I am perfect to her, too.

Lightning flashes through my room, interrupting my thoughts, and I inhale sharply. My heart begins pounding furiously against my sternum, and my stomach twists and dips and for a second I think I might vomit. Mindy whines softly and presses herself against me, her tongue lapping up to lick at my chin, and I sigh, squeezing my eyes shut. My fingers tighten around Mindy, digging into her fur, and I press my face to her neck, forcing myself to relax as another rumble of thunder sounds overhead.

I wish, not for the first time, my curtains were not cheap, flimsy things that could barely keep the moonlight out, let alone lightning. It all comes down to money, though. And we have very little. So I suck it up. I have to. I force myself to keep my eyes shut, and my grip on Mindy goes lax. Distantly, I hear her bark once, a hoarse sound that she does right before a shock of thunder sounds. Sure enough, a bang follows, and my fingers twist into her fur.

It’s possibly only a second later that I fall asleep.

I don’t dream, thankfully. I don’t toss or turn. It’s just a never-ending darkness, but that is ten times better than any nightmares my subconscious could force me into. Nightmares are both common and rare, and when they take hold of me, there’s a good chance I’ll wake up screaming. I do try to stifle my screams into my pillow or Mindy, though. Just to keep the peace in the house.

I wake to a loud crash of thunder outside. Swallowing the fear building inside me, knowing I’m being irrational and childish, I reach for Mindy’s warmth. I grab a handful of warm blanket instead, and snap my eyes open, fear lurching into my throat as I sit up.

I adjust my eyes to the darkness, the slither of light from beneath my door my only source of comfort. There is no sign of Mindy. But there is a sign that somebody has been in my room, as a blanket is tucked tight around me. But there is still no Mindy. Biting my lower lip, I push the blanket from my legs and slowly stand up. I could only assume, and hope, whoever put the blanket on me, let Mindy out for a pee. I stagger towards my door, biting my lip hard as lightning flashes in my room, and a second later a loud bang, like a gunshot, sounds.

I jump, barely stifling my shout of wary as I grab the doorhandle. I can feel panic bubbling in the pit of my stomach, quickly clawing its way up my throat, making me gag. A pitiful whimper slips past my lips as I twist the doorhandle and swing it open. It slams against the wall, and I cringe, but also sigh in a deep breath of relief as the hall light floods my bedroom.

With a deep breath, desperate to calm my racing heart, I step into the hallway, shuffling towards the kitchen. With the light to guide me, I’m distracted from the storm outside by my desperation to find Mindy. It’s not natural to wake up without her.

I come to the kitchen doorway a crash of thunder rumbles the house. Inhaling sharply, I grip the kitchen doorframe, knuckles white as I inhale slower, catching the delicious, warming scent of pumpkin soup. The aroma wraps around me, like a tight, soft blanket, as I step into the kitchen. But then everything around me abruptly disappears as I catch sight of my three brothers.

Lakyn stands at the stove top, a ladle in one hand and bowl in the other, laughing at something Alek just said. Kaleb, too, is smiling, opening a drawer to pull cutlery out. Alek rolls his eyes fondly at whatever he just said, and takes a step closer to Lakyn, draping his arm over Lakyn’s bare shoulders. My breath catches in my throat at the sight, my eyes keenly searching for Alek’s reaction as he drops his head, a warm flush beginning on the high points of his cheeks. Alek drops his head, pressing his mouth to Lakyn’s ear, and my gut twists. Why couldn’t they share this kind of intimacy with me?

Lakyn huffs a laugh, nudging Alek in the gut with his elbow, and Alek chuckles, stepping away to take the bowls from Lakyn as he fills them with thick, orange soup. Lakyn hesitates when he reaches for the fourth bowl, one that is smaller than the others, and Kaleb sighs, his smile dropping into something more tender. He reaches to gently touch Lakyn’s wrist. A gentleness I am never shown.

I wish to shout. To yell. To demand and know why they treat each other so well and not me?

Kaleb gives Lakyn’s wrist a squeeze, reaching for the ladle in his grip. Lakyn blinks, pulling a face, but it looks strained, like he’s attempting to make light of a situation that is anything but. He swallows, reluctantly handing the ladle over and Kaleb scoops one fill into the bowl.

“Kay,” Lakyn murmurs, “I don’t want to waste this. Not this time.”

“You won’t be wasting it,” Kaleb replies with a tenderness I am never shown. “He’s going to eat it.”

Lakyn sighs, his shoulders dropping as he sits the lid on the pot. He runs his hands down his thighs before reaching for the pepper and cracking it over the four bowls. Kaleb pulls him in for a tight, one armed hug when he finishes, and Lakyn leans against our eldest brother. I bite into my lower lip, stepping away from the doorframe and back into the hallway, trying to remember why I left my bedroom in the first place. I’m not wanted. It’s so _clear_.

“Alek, go wake him.” Kaleb’s voice is back to its gruffness, and I withdraw further into the hallway, holding my breath.

“Why me?” Alek grumbles under his breath, but I hear his feet shuffling across the tiles. “God, when did you become such a pussy?”

I hear the sharp inhale that normally indicates Kaleb is about to retaliate and it’s not going to be pleasant. Biting my tongue, I quickly move, stepping back into the kitchen with a fake yawn and small stretch. My arrival brings tension to the room, but I try to ignore it as I rub at my eyes, blinking slowly.

“Where’s Mindy?” I swallow thickly, squinting at the light. “I can’t find her.”

Nobody answers me, and I stop blinking tiredly to see my brothers staring at me, as if I’d caught them amid having hot, raunchy sex. The thought makes me flush and I hastily step back, a stammer beginning.

“Uh, s-sorry. I’ll go and, um, f-find her.”

I mentally curse myself as I turn around, but somebody strides after me, catching my wrist tightly and halting me from going anywhere. I hold my breath, fear bubbling in my stomach. Completely unjustified fear. I shouldn’t be frightened of my brothers.

Looking up, I meet Alek’s hard, dark eyes. Swallowing, I twist, pulling from his hold while keeping my forearm against my chest as I take another step away, quicker this time. I almost stumble, but catch myself on the doorframe, and I gaze up at Alek, who stares right into me.

“Sorry.” I manage, unsure why I’m apologising but knowing there needs to be a reason.

“Stop it,” Lakyn snaps, and the slam of the ladle on the bench makes me jump. I snap my head from Alek to the one brother I’d never really worried about. My hands begin to shake when our eyes meet, and he looks _angry_. Irritated. Pissed. Alek turns, too, his eyebrow rising in confusion. Kaleb crosses his arms over his chest, leaning against the bench to pin Lakyn with an openly curious look. Lakyn ignores the both of them, his attention on me. His icy blue eyes, the exact same shade as Kaleb’s, pin me and I hastily attempt to turn my attention to the floor.

But I can’t. Lakyn’s grip on me intense, and I can’t avert eye contact. I internally scream at myself. I’ve been awake for a mere minute and already succeeded in pissing someone off.

“I-I’m so--”

“If you say sorry one more time, I will throw this ladle at you.” Lakyn’s growl catches me off guard, and I hold my breath. His eyes narrow into icy slits, and I bit the inside of my cheek, on the verge of drawing blood. Lakyn thankfully cuts eye contact off by turning around. “You need to stop it.”

Nodding slowly, I open my mouth to-- to do what? Apologise? “I-”

“I said _stop_.”

I tuck my hands behind my back and peer up through my lashes. I hate the silence that consumes us. I wish somebody would say something. I wish somebody would tell me what I’ve done wrong. But they don’t, and I’m instead left cautious and… and _not_ scared but… wary?

“Is this all we’ve taught you?” Lakyn queries, picking up a bowl and passing it to Kaleb, who takes it and places it on the table, but doesn’t move to sit down. He watches Lakyn with something undetected in his gaze. His stare momentarily flickers to me, and it hurts to see he is frowning at me. Where is the smile he saved for Alek and Lakyn? Where is the love?

Why is he always so disappointed in me? I don’t understand. I don’t like it. I can’t handle it. I can deal with anger. I can deal with a raw emotion that brings my own out, but disappointment is so conflicting, because I can’t match it. It’s such an awful mix of emotions, I never know how to retaliate or how to make it better.

“Have we only ever taught you to apologise for shit that you haven’t done? For fucked up crap that is either not your problem, or none of your business?” Lakyn passes a bowl to Alek, who places it on the table, but he too does not sit. Lakyn scowls as he grabs another bowl, thrusting it at Kaleb so ferociously that some of it sloshes over the sides, dripping down the sides and onto the floor. My eyes follow it, the orange splotch that I will need to clean. “Look at me.”

My gaze snaps back up instantly, and my heart squeezes in my chest. I lick my dry lips and nod at the mess. “I should clean that.” I turn, fully intending to find a mop, and Mindy. In fact, why I’m not looking for Mindy right now is baffling. I’m about to step from the kitchen when Lakyn’s voice sends chills down my spine. Words I never expect to be uttered by him, but should always known.

“If you take a single step from this kitchen, I will never speak to you again.”


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Self-harm elements in this chapter at the end.

**Jayke -**

 

“Lake…” Alek looks to his slightly younger brother, but that’s all he does. From my peripheral vision I catch him pulling a chair out and settling himself down. He props his elbows on the table and tilts his head down. His shoulders are tense, a line of strain pulling them taut, and I wish for nothing more than the ability to go over there and massage them, to help him relax. I don’t, of course.

“Turn back around,” Lakyn snaps, and I turn, audibly gulping. The god-awful familiar sting begins at the back of my eyes, and I blink rapidly. I hate myself. Why am I stupid? Why did I leave my bedroom? Would have been better for everybody if I stayed there. Less of a hassle.

“Yes?” I whisper, my fingers beginning to tremble. I squeeze them against my palm, trying to stifle it. It’s a failed attempt, and I see Lakyn’s eyes flicker to my hands, something brief flashing across his eyes. He shakes his head, catching my eye. I… I can’t look away again. And I’ve never felt so powerless.

“No more hiding, Jayke.” His glare isn’t strong. It’s barely there. But his gaze is strong. “No more apologies. Not unless we ask for one. But trust me, we won’t.”

Swallowing thickly, feeling everything bubbling uncontrolled inside of me, ready to explode, all I can manage is a nod.

I just want Mindy.

“Good.” Lakyn passes the final bowl to Kaleb, who places it down and then settles himself down. His eyes are still on Lakyn, but they’re flickering to me as well. Alek’s stopped giving a shit, which doesn’t surprise me, as he dips his spoon into his bowl. “Now, you’re going to sit with us, eat with us, finish your homework--” I almost protest here, wanting to remind him that Kaleb told me to finish before dinner, but I hold my tongue, “--and I am going to sit here and help you, if you need it.”

I can taste blood in my mouth from how much I’ve been biting my tongue and cheek. The bitter, metallic tang is a nice distraction as I nod, stepping further into the kitchen. I try to stop focusing so heavily on Lakyn and instead on the environment around me. The kitchen still smells glorious, but is a complete and utter mess, and I have a fair idea I will need to clean it up before I go to bed. There is a chance my brothers will tell me not to, but I can’t leave it like this when mum comes home. I stare at the orange blob again, hating it. Wishing it to disappear. Wishing I could go and get the mop. And Mindy.

Mindy’s lack of presence is the biggest strain. She is always everywhere I go, except school. Now she isn’t here. The thought is numbing. I stop walking, looking to Alek and Kaleb as they begin eating. Lakyn settles himself down and lifts a questioning eye at me. I lick my lips.

“Where’s Mindy?”

Lakyn sighs, dropping his head into his hands, massaging his temple. He looks exhausted, most likely with me. I internally cringe. _Sorry, Lakyn. I’m so sorry._

Kaleb lifts his head, meeting my eyes and offering me a strained smile. “She’s outside. You can go and get her after dinner.”

“Outside?” Outside, where it is storming. Where it is raining. Where Mindy is. I turn on my heel, but a chair scratches against the floor and a hand is on my shoulder, turning me back around.

“Jayke, she’ll be okay for a little while,” Kaleb assures me. His voice is still rough, but with something underlying it. Something I couldn’t dare analyse. “Come and eat.”

I give a shaky nod, stepping across the kitchen with him to take my seat beside Alek, opposite Lakyn. Kaleb sits down next to me, and picks up his spoon. I follow his lead, ignoring how mine shakes as I dip into the soup, bringing it to my mouth. Lakyn is possibly the greatest cook of us all, and so despite rarely feeling the urge to eat, it isn’t a disappointment when I do. Swallowing what’s in my mouth, saliva wells up and I almost drool from the delicious, rich taste.

Alek slurps at his beside me, and the sound somewhat distracts me from the rumble that breaks overhead. I feel my shoulders tense, having been so caught up with Lakyn, the lightning and thunder left my senses and mind. Now, with nothing to distract me, I am acutely aware of the rumble, the crash every now and again. Thankfully the curtains are drawn and I can’t see the lightning, but I know it’s there, and again I think of poor Mindy, sitting outside in the downpour. I begin to stir my soup, lifting the spoon and tilting it, watching in awe as the orange liquid slips from the silver cutlery, plipping and plopping back into the bowl.

“Eat it,” Alek grumbles beside me, “don’t fucking play with it.”

I listen, bringing the spoon back to my mouth. I place the spoon back in the bowl and leave it for a moment, digesting what is already in my stomach. Lakyn sips at his own soup, catching my eye across the table, and he isn’t quite as terrifying anymore. He looks calm as he reaches for a cigarette, lighting it and putting it between his lips.

“I didn’t give you that much,” he speaks around the stick, much to Alek’s displeasure, looking right at me.

“Do you need to smoke that fricking thing right now?

Lakyn smirks. “Why? You got a problem with it?” He wiggles his eyebrows, inhaling and then blows a circle of smoke into Alek’s face. Alek’s face twists as he splutters in disgust, glowering at Lakyn.

“Put it out.”

Lakyn’s smirk grows as he blows more smoke at Alek. “Make me.”

It happens before anyone can blink. Alek lunges across the table, knocking his chair backward, and grabs Lakyn’s arm, pulling the younger boy to the ground in a mixture of limbs and battle cries. A similar scene to when we were younger and all of us were naughty.

Kaleb rolls his eyes and stands up, bringing his soup with him. He walks around the table and grabs my arm, hauling me to my feet. “Let’s go and get Mindy now.” He pulls me from the kitchen and I trudge behind him obediently. We walk into the lounge room, and Kaleb places his bowl down by the back door before unlatching it.

The door flies open with the wind, smacking the wall with a bang and I jump, eyes widening as rain sprays us. Kaleb’s grip tightens on me, and I wonder if there’s an element of comfort hidden within his grip. I bite my lip, hard, as he pushes the screen door open, whistling low. Mindy doesn’t come bounding inside. Kaleb whistles again. Still no Mindy.

“Damn,” he mutters, and steps outside. I bite my lip harder, resisting the urge to grip his arm as I try not to walk past the doorway. I’m being splattered by rain, and the wind has picked up. I squeeze my eyes shut as lightning flashes and Kaleb whistles again, the sound a lot higher pitched.

My ears ring and my heart begins pounding heavily against my chest. I can feel my control slowly slipping away but I try to grab it, try to hold onto it because I cannot, absolutely cannot lose it right now.

“Jayke, give her a call won’t you,” Kaleb calls over the wind. I nod quickly, taking a deep breath, keeping my eyes shut.

“Mindy!” My voice gets caught in the wind, and I’m afraid it doesn’t go very far. “Mindy!”

All I can hear is the wind howling in my ear, and the rain thrashing against our roof and I can feel it on my skin, like mini spikes. Mindy still isn’t here. I can’t feel her. Kaleb curses and steps back inside, releasing me as he does so. I sway, biting my lip hard before I blink my eyes open slowly. All I see is darkness in the backyard. It’s pitch black. Empty. Where is Mindy?

The darkness subsides for a moment as lightning flashes and I gasp, gripping the doorframe tight as Kaleb returns, fiddling with a torch. He flicks it on and the beam illuminates the yard. I look around, searching for my pup, half wanting to walk out to find her, but the other half of me wanting to stay right where I was, by the comfort of my older brother and the safety of the house.

I’m on the verge of giving up, of just returning to my bedroom and calling her through the window, when I heard her bark. Not a normal bark. A growl. A warning. I don’t think as I step out into the rain, her name on the tip of my tongue. Lightning spasms through the air, a sharp fork striking a couple houses over, and with it comes an almighty crack.

I stumble back, a scream lodging itself in my throat. I trip over my own feet, and I’m vaguely aware of Kaleb stepping up behind me, quickly, reaching for me. I fall backwards and hastily scramble my way back inside. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest.

Kaleb moves in front of me, squatting, and I can barely see him through my blurry vision. I heave a deep breath and twist, almost retching as more lightning flashes and thunder crashes overhead. _Crap_. I squeeze my eyes shut. _Crap. It’s okay! It’s okay, I’m okay!_

“Jayke.” Kaleb reaches for me, I feel his hand on my back, but I twist around shove him off me. I don’t push hard, but it obviously shocks him because he stumbles back, eyes widening a fraction.

“Don’t touch me!” The scream rips at my throat, and Kaleb eyes me, his jaw dropping. I shake my head and curl myself into a tight ball as he leans forward. “I said don’t!”

“Jayke…” Kaleb coughs, clearing his throat, and then he repeats my name, only in a gruffer tone. “Jayke, what the fuck?”

“I said--” I begin, but Kaleb grabs me, grabs my wrists, and my words cut off as panic surges up my throat. I pull against his hold, twisting.

“Stop fighting me!” He growls, but I shake my head. If he draws my sleeves up. If he sees--

Would he care?

I shake my head quickly, and twist against his hold. Kaleb sighs angrily, and he stands up, dragging me upright despite my constant tugging, and almost thrashing. His blue eyes harden, frighteningly so, and his hand comes swinging. It cracks on my backside and I yelp, my cries instantly stopping as I stare up at him in shock.

It’s not… it’s not the first time anybody’s spanked me, or laid their hands on me, but it’s the first time it’s been done when I’m _scared_. I bite my lower lip hard, stopping anymore cries from escaping as I stare up at him. My lashes are wet, my eyes feel stiff. My entire body is tense, as I stare up at Kaleb, trying to keep myself together, just until I can get into the safety of my bedroom.

“Jayke, what the fuck?” Kaleb snaps, jerking me closer to him. I hold his gaze as he glares down at me. “What the hell is wrong?”

I open my mouth, not sure what to say, not sure what I could say. They know I hate storms. Or, they knew I hated storms. They’d forgotten.

No words escape me before another crack sounds overhead and I jerk violently, pushing myself against Kaleb involuntarily. Kaleb tenses, and then he’s releasing my wrist and shoving me away, hands on my shoulders. I try not to let it hurt, the way he makes me step away. The way he doesn’t want me touching him. More tears surge upward and I struggle to contain them, blinking rapidly.

“Is that what’s wrong?” He demands, and then turns, giving a low whistle and a snap of my pup’s name. Mindy comes bounding inside a second later, covered in rain and tongue hanging from her mouth. Kaleb releases my shoulders and turns, slamming the backdoor behind him. I jolt, my fingers straying for Mindy as she comes and presses her cold body against my knees. I twist my fingers into her fur, taking a deep breath as Kaleb visibly attempts to calm himself.

“Of course, storms still scare you.” He still has his back to me, so I assume he’s talking to himself.

I don’t know what to say, so I just hold Mindy tight until Kaleb turn’s around. His blue eyes are piercing, and he grabs my shoulder, turning me and pushing me in front of him through the lounge room. I stumble along, forcing myself to let Mindy go.

“I-- I’m sorry.” I manage. Barely. My voice trembling and my hands doing no better. My entire body, in fact, is shaking.

“Did I ask for an apology?”

I shake my head, stumbling into the hallway. Mindy keeps herself pressed up close to me. I relish in the comfort of that as Kaleb stops walking, running a hand down his face. I turn, pressing my back to the wall as I stare at him, my fingers trailing back to Mindy as she sits happily at my feet. I rub my fingers along her ears, and down her neck. Kaleb looks to be in deep thought, and I don’t dare interrupt him. Not because I was scared-- I feared the storm-- Not… Kaleb wouldn’t _hurt_ me. Physically. Intentionally?

“What day is it?” He finally snaps, and I answer immediately.

“Thursday.” I bite my lip, and Kaleb nods. He then reaches for me. I flinch, but his hand ruffles my hair.

“Okay. Okay. Calm down. Sorry.”

Sorry?

I give a hasty nod and then duck away from his touch.

“What happened?” I look down the hallway, where Alek and Lakyn are both peering out from the kitchen doorway. Alek’s eyes are narrowed, but Lakyn looks genuinely concerned, his gaze filtering over me, and then down to where I’m stroking Mindy.

“Nothing.” Kaleb runs a hand through his hair, and despite trying to play it off as nothing, I can hear the strain in his voice. “Just had a bit of fright with the storm.” He’s trying to keep himself from yelling at me. I’m sure.

“It doesn’t matter,” I whisper. “I’m sorry for…” For what? Fucking up their night? Being the most pussy-ass brother they could possibly ask for? For being an absolute dip shit?

“Jayke stop.” Lakyn starts, but I cut him off – something I’ve never had the guts for before, and still don’t now but I’m going off pure fear and adrenaline.

“N-no, I _am_ sorry.” I press, twisting my fingers into Mindy’s ear. I immediately let go when I realise I must be hurting her, and I stare at the floor. “I’m sorry for… for being a pain.”

Kaleb’s feet shift, directing them at me, meaning all of his attentions on me, and I hate it.

“Jayke, you’re not a pain.”

“But I am,” I point out, beginning to shift across the wall to my bedroom. “And… and I promise I’ll stop. Or, I’ll try to stop.”

Movement up the hall made me look up, and Alek stepped out from the kitchen, his dark eyes pinning me to the spot. “Jayke, listen to yourself. You have this whole ‘I’m a depressed motherfucker’ demeanour going on, and I mean, buddy, you’re not fucking depressed.” He abruptly stops himself and I see his eyes flicker to my clothed wrists. I anxiously tuck my hands behind my back, catching his eye as he shakes his head. “Jayke. We treat you this way, so maybe you won’t turn out quite as fucked as us.”

What? What on earth could that mean? I want to be like them. I want to be tough.

“Dad never told us what was right. He never pushed us to work, or to look after ourselves. And Mum… Mum’s always been a bit distance with us.” Lakyn shrugs, biting his lip and glancing down the hall to Mum’s closed bedroom door, all of us knowing she was out working. “We don’t want that for you. We want you to have a life. To be able to move out when you’re old enough and to _live_.”

 _To move out_. They want you gone. I inhale sharply, shaking my head.

“I’m… I don’t want to make you upset anymore. I’m sorry for that. I just… I want…”

“Tell us,” Lakyn murmurs, stepping behind Alek. “Jayke, tell us what you want and we’ll do our best to give it to you.”

I shake my head. _Move out_. It keeps rolling around in my head. They’ll be nice to be for only a fraction, get me to leave. Get me out of their life. _Of course_.

“I don’t want anything. I don’t need…” I don’t need you. But I do. Tears sting my eyes. I squeeze them shut. No. Don’t cry again. Please.

“Jayke. We never meant to make you feel like you couldn’t talk to us.” Lakyn keeps going. He’s making an effort, but now I know why. How long until I can move out? How long until they can get rid of me? They can kick me out now, if they like. There’s nothing stopping them. “If you’re scared of storms, like when you were younger, tell us.”

“I’m not.” I can’t be scared of anything. I need to grow up. I manage to slide the little bit further to my bedroom, clicking my tongue for Mindy. “I’m sorry. If I made you think that I was.” I find my door handle and twist it, pushing my door open so Mindy can slide inside. “I’m not scared.”

“Not scared?” Kaleb snaps, and his hands curl into fists. “Jayke. You’re terrified. You think we’re going to leave you alone when you’re shaking?!”

Something inside me cracks at that, but I desperately hold it in. “I don’t… I don’t care.” I need to stop caring.

“Jayke--” Lakyn steps past Alek, he’s walking towards me, eyes deep and understanding and desperate. I squeeze mine shut.

“Stop! Stop it! Just… just leave me alone! You’re good at leaving me alone, so why is now any different?” My voice cracks, I hear it, they hear it too. I open my eyes and Lakyn freezes, hand outstretched toward me. It drops. Slowly. His face contorts, and his eyes flicker, darkening.

“Leave you… alone?” He shakes his head. “Jayke, we’ve never left you alone.”

“Yes, you have.” I nod, taking a step backward, into my bedroom.

“W--” Lakyn stops, licking his lips and clearing his throat. “When?”

What do you mean when? You’ve always left me alone! Since I was little. It doesn’t matter that I’m standing right beside you, the three of you are just… just one. And I’m nothing.

“Just.” I hold my breath. “Just leave me alone.”

Lakyn’s face shutters. “Leave you alone?” His voice is almost hollow, and he laughs, abruptly. Humourlessly. “Fuck.” He shakes his head and turns around. “Fuck. Fine, Jaykob. Want to be left alone? Fuck that, but your wish is my command.”

I watch him, my heart slamming against my ribcage as he walks into his bedroom and slams the door shut. No. No, I don’t mean it--

“I don’t understand you.” Kaleb growls, and I look to him, gripping my doorframe. Everything inside me seems to be quivering. I can’t breathe. Kaleb doesn’t say anything more, but he turns and disappears into his bedroom. Leaving Alek and I, staring at each other, the tension thick, and suffocating me, and-- and—

“Fuck you.” Alek snaps, and turns for his own bedroom. He slams his door the hardest, shaking the entire house, and myself. I grip the doorframe harder, to keep myself steady, to keep myself together. It barely works.

I stagger into my bedroom, closing my door, and dropping down behind it. My bedroom is pitch black. I relish in it, letting the first couple of tears drip down my cheeks, until it’s a steady stream. I bury my face into my hands, choking on a sob. My shoulders shake.

“I didn’t mean it.” I whisper to nobody, but Mindy. Mindy, who comes over to me, who nudges my face and licks my cheek. I push her away, scrambling to my feet as my head goes somewhere dark. I’m shaking. I can barely walk as I stumble to my bed, grabbing my bedside table. I grip it so hard, my nails crack. I hiss, but don’t relent my hold.

“No, no, no.” I shake my head, dropping myself to my bed and shakily opening my bedside drawer. I stare down at the scissors. I reach, but slam my drawer shut before I can take them into my hand, instead punching the table. I slide back along my bed, my broken nails scratching down my face, and I kick out.

My foot hits the bedside table and it goes flying. My lamp bulb smashes, and my table almost hits Mindy, who’s curled at the door. She leaps up and scramble away. I don’t care. I grab my hair, tugging at it, hating myself. Why am I like this? _Why am I like this_?

Mindy whines from the foot of my bed, and I shoot her a glare. “Shut up!”

She cowers, ears flattening, and my heart breaks. I choke on a sob, dropping my hands to my sides as I scramble to the end of my bed, reaching for her, but she scurries away.

“Mindy!” I call, trying to keep my voice even, but it’s not. “Mindy, girl, I’m so sorry. Hey. I’m so sorry. Come here?”

I reach a bloody, shaking hand out to her. She barks at me, but doesn’t come near me. My face crumbles. “I’m so sorry.”

She still doesn’t come to me. I bite my lip, dropping to the ground and crawling to where my bedside table is. My hand lands in something sharp, and I hiss, turning it around to see glass from my lamp sticking out. I bite my lip, scrambling back to lean against my bed as I stare down at it. _Crap_.

I don’t want to fall back to that level. I need to stay strong. I’m better than that. I’m better--

I’ve already dropped.

I curl in on myself, pulling the glass out with a soft whimper. Blood gushes down my palm, and I stare at it. I look back down at the glass. I reach for it. I need it. But then Mindy’s there, nuzzling my arm, and tucking herself under it.

I forget about the glass as I turn, burying my face against her fur. “Oh, Mindy. Oh, God. What have I done?” I twist my fingers into fur, I wet her fur even more with my tears. I hold her tight, and I don’t let go.


	5. Chapter Five

**Jayke -**

As the morning shine warms my curtains I blink myself awake. My back aches, my neck is stiff, and my mouth dry. I groan softly, curling my fingers against Mindy’s fur. She whines softly, and I blink past the moisture in my eyes to look down at her, frowning and then jumping in shock as I notice my hand, curled into her dark fur, is covered in streaks of dry blood.

I lick my cracked lips, slowly sitting up straight, looking around my room, and down to the smashed glass along my floor. I inhale sharply, looking back to my hand as I remember last night’s events. Swallowing thickly, I manage to stand, gripping my bed until I sit down on it.

Mindy picks herself up, stretching and yawning before jumping up on my bed next to me. She walks to the window, pawing at it. I reach over to open it and curse at the sharp pain that shoots through my hand. I turn my hand around, staring at my palm. Awful flashes of last night hit me, and I gasp, putting my hand down, squeezing my eyes shut.

Mindy barks, pawing at the window again, and I take a deep breath before leaning over and opening my window for her. She disappears, trotting along the wet grass to find a place for herself, and I pull my legs onto the bed and stare down at my hand. There’s a long, bloody line, that could quite possibly need stitches. Maybe.

I hiss, standing up and walking cautiously around the glass, grabbing a pair of sneakers and sticking my feet in them. I walk to my bedroom door and open it a crack, peering down the hall. I can’t see anybody so I slip out, quickly heading to the bathroom, praying it’s empty.

Thankfully it is, and I slip inside, closing the door behind me. I turn to the vanity and mirror, chewing my bottom lip when I catch sight of my reflection. I wear deep, dark circles under my eyes and my cheeks are bright red, as are my eyes. I look like death. I look like… my dad.

I shudder at the thought. I never want to look like him. Mostly because I didn’t know him. I mean… he was a good man… I think. I sigh. All I can remember is that he used to take Alek and Kaleb to sport matches, always adamant that Lakyn and I were too young. Which was fine for Lakyn, because he used to take Lakyn into the backyard. They would star gaze and cloud gaze for hours and hours. Me, though? I never had a relationship with him. I still didn’t.

I hadn’t spoken to him in two years now. Not since he’d been deployed overseas with the army. Mum hated it. I’m sure my brothers did, too, but nobody ever spoke about it. Dad called every Sunday. Religiously. But I never spoke to him. Never saw the reason. I didn’t have many, if any, fond memories with him.

But according to Kaleb, Alek and Lakyn he wasn’t too bad. He was a good dad. I just… didn’t have any experience with that. Supposedly he turned into a hard-ass after he joined the army, when I was three, but before that-- he was a good dad.

I sigh, turning away from my reflection to splash water in my face. I then grab the soap and lather my hands, gently cleaning my cut. I can’t look at it for too long, growing nausea when I realise how close I was to returning to old habits. I finish cleaning my hand, and then I grab a couple bandages, running it gently along my ripped skin to try and help it heal.

Not looking at my reflection, I leave the bathroom, grabbing the vacuum from the hallway cupboard. I clean up my bedroom, I make my bed, I tidy everything up and I take my scissors from my bedside table drawer and drop them in the drawer in the bathroom. I still don’t look at my reflection.

I don’t want to be reminded of the mess I’m in. Of how bad I look. I just need to get through this day. Pretend everything is fine, because everything is fine.

I return to my bedroom, not surprised to see Mindy sitting on my bed, tongue lolling from the side of her mouth. She barks when I walk in, and her tails wags happily. I force a smile, sitting on the bed beside her. She licks at my face, nuzzling at my chin, and I drop my arm around her, pulling her close. We cuddle for a couple of minutes, and then I reach for my clock, turning it to see the time.

If I leave now, I’ll make it to first period. I quickly change out of my clothes from yesterday and pull on another pair of shoes. I slide a long-sleeved cardigan over my shoulders, dragging the sleeve down over my bandaged hand. I know I’ll probably melt in the heat, but it’s better than the questionable stares and glares.

Gathering myself emotionally, I lean across my bed, sliding the curtain across the window. I catch sight of Lakyn, hanging some washing up on our rickety old clothes line. I watch him for a moment longer, a pang creeping up inside me as he drops a couple of socks. He stares down at them, like he’s dropped his heart, and I feel a wave of distress hit me. I want to open my window, to climb out and go to him.

 _Your wish is my command_. Lakyn… I’d never seen him so _angry_.

I bite my tongue and slide back across the bed, opening my bedroom door and leaving. Mindy stays on my bed, but I leave my door open so she can escape if need be. I surpass the kitchen doorway quietly, aware of Kaleb standing at the sinking, drinking from a coffee mug. I shuffle past Alek’s doorway, and head to mum’s, giving a timid knock. No answer, as usual. I turn the doorhandle and peer inside at the lump on the bed. Half of me wants to venture inside, to talk to her, to… maybe… cry.

I step back, closing the door softly. I pick up my backpack and head out the front door, not bothering to look back.

I walk to school, the same way I always do. The wind is a gentle presence behind me, guiding me past my school fence and into the building. Once the doors slam shut behind me, though, the wind disappears and I’m alone. As usual.

I head to my first class, pushing the door open right as the bell chimes. I sigh in relief, making my way to the back of the classroom, where I take the first seat I can find. I drag my cardigan tighter around myself when our teacher walks in, clearing his throat and beginning the lesson.

Maybe I zone out a couple of times. Maybe I miss a few vital points my teachers make about our end of year exams. I don’t care. I slump in my chair and stare out the window for most of the day. Each of my teacher’s stop me on my way out of class, commenting on my unusual behaviour, but I smiled politely at them and brush past.

I don’t see Alek all day, which is a small relief for me. I don’t see Jessup, either. Which is a bigger relief. I trudge my way out of the school building at the end of the day, and walk through the thick mud and wet grass all the way home. It doesn’t rain, thankfully. But it was raining throughout all my classes, the constant patter on the roof coming as a helpful distraction as I pondered what I would do if it was still raining when it was time to leave.

But luckily I didn’t need to think about that.

I open the front door slowly, peering inside and keeping an ear out for any noise which will tell me where my brothers are. I don’t hear anything, so I slowly push my way inside and hurry down to my bedroom, glancing into the kitchen quickly as I hurry past. There’s nobody inside and I breath out slowly, the tension in my shoulders dropping.

I slide my backpack to the floor once I’m safely in my bedroom, and I walk over to my window and open my blinds. The gorgeous sun is beginning to peer through the grey clouds, and I relish in her gentle rays for a minute before sliding my window open and leaning out, about to whistle for Mindy.

I stop short when I catch sight of Lakyn, laying on his back on a towel and staring up at the sky. My fingers clench around my windowsill as I watch him, wishing I could go out there and lay down beside him. Part of me wants to apologise for last night, but the other half of me doesn’t. I can’t keep dragging my brothers down. They need to live their lives without constantly looking over their shoulders at their lanky, slow baby brother.

I sigh, sitting back on my bed at an angle that I can still see Lakyn. He’s lost in his own world, staring up at the sky, and I can see a slight twitch to his lips which means he’s talking to himself. Or dad. Lakyn and dad use to lay outside and cloud gaze – or star gaze, depending on their mood.

Deep inside me something ached. I didn’t have that connection to our father. In fact, I seemed to have very little relations to him at all. Blood might have been the only thing connecting us.

Which is fine. Having that relationship cut short could only strengthen my ability to let other’s go. I hope.

I sigh and curl myself up, not bothering to slip into more comfortable clothes. I stay seated on an angle so I can see Lakyn, so I can watch as he slowly sits up. He runs his hands down his face and over his arms. He shudders, shaking his head briefly. When he stands, it’s on shaky legs, and I hate that maybe his sudden unease could be my fault.

As he disappears inside, I squeeze my eyes shut, hating myself just a little bit more. And it takes everything I have to not go searching for something to cut with. To not look for something that could easily harm me, possibly worse. I bite my lower lip hard, waiting until the skin breaks and I taste blood, before shuffling to my open window and whistling.

Mindy comes leaping inside a second later, barrelling into me. I gasp, wrapping my arm around her body tight, not caring that she’s a little wet. I hold her so tightly part of me worries about suffocating her. But Mindy doesn’t whine or attempt to squirm away. She’s so good. I bury my face in her fur and hold her for a couple minutes longer before leaning away, rubbing at my wet cheeks.

Mindy twists to lick at my face, her hot tongue a nice contrast to the chills that wrack my body. I hurriedly close my window and curtains, climbing up from my bed to strip my clothes off and change them with tracksuit pants and a comfortable turtle neck. I drag a beanie on, too, and then hold my breath, gaging the courage to walk into the hallway and into the kitchen because Mindy needs food.

I close my hands into fists and pull my door open. Mindy immediately rushes out past my legs and down the hallway that now smells like fresh bread and more soup. I shiver as the aroma hits me, and I force myself to walk down the hallway and into the suddenly quite full kitchen.

All three of my brother’s stop talking and stare at me once I’ve walked in, and I quickly look at the floor. My cheeks begin to warm up as I quickly walk to the cupboard with Mindy’s food, dragging it out and filling her bowl. While she eats, I take myself to the bathroom, firmly closing the door behind me.

My reflection, while a million times better than this morning, still makes me want to vomit. But I don’t. My entire body is slowly turning numb, and I can’t think much past: _I don’t care anymore_.

Swallowing thickly, I hop in the shower and wash myself down. As I lather the soap across my body, I stop and stare at my pale and soft wrists. How easy it would be to just end it. I could end it. So easily. It just takes a second--

I jump violently as I hear Mindy bark outside the bathroom door. Hurriedly shutting off the taps, I dry myself down and then pull my warm clothes back on. Mindy sits patiently at the bathroom door as I finish up, and then she follows me back to my bedroom. Nobody stops me. Nobody offers me food. I close my bedroom door just as tears sting my eyes, but I wipe them away, instead focusing on the mess in my room. I clean it up quickly. I dump the broken glass in my bedroom bin, I move everything back into it's rightful place. I make my bed. I hurry around my room until it begins to look more like my room. I clean up Mindy's area, and then I step back. I'm not satisfied. Even less so when I spy the mounds of homework and assignments stacked up by my desk.

So, I set it up. I drag everything off the desk that isn’t connected to school-- that is, family photos, my creative writing, my sketches of Mindy, my drafted letters to my father which I never send. I redo my desk. I stack biology books on top of chemistry books. I fold all my physics notes and pile them above my English notes. I draw my economics text book close to me and flip it open, and then I lose myself in the mindless, numbing work.


	6. Chapter Six

**Jayke -**

I hear everybody go to bed as I continue to study. I wonder briefly if they’re aware of me being awake. But of course they’re aware. My bedroom light would be obvious from beneath my door. It would all but illuminate the hallway.  

Nobody cares enough, though.

I stay up all night. I finish my assignments and make summaries on my readings. I file everything away neatly, and I plan for success because that’s the only way I can leave sooner. A scholarship, something that will benefit me and my family.

When my bedside clock hits 5:30AM, I hear the shower turn on down the hall. Probably Kaleb leaving for an early shift. I keep my head buried in my books and I keep myself distracted, even though I desperately wish to go out to him. Even though I desperately want to cry and tell him I didn’t mean anything. That I couldn’t stand them ignoring me.

Hating me, yes. But ignoring my very existence?

I stare down at my wrists and bite my lip. I… I can’t. I shake my head and continue writing. Once the essay is complete, I tuck it into a folder with essays and extra work for all my classes. Sucking up to teachers, being their pets, is something I’ve always hated. But now… maybe I need to embrace it.

I stay up until I hear the front door close at 6AM sharp, and then I shut my light off and climb into bed with Mindy. I wonder if Kaleb noticed my light on. If he worried about me for even a second.

But that’s wishful thinking, and it doesn’t get me anywhere.

***

I don’t go to school. I don’t get out of bed until midday. I wake up, stretching the kink from my neck as I reach for my blinds. Mindy immediately sits up when I do, her tail wagging as I lift my window open to let her out. She bounds away, and I sit by my window, taking a moment to appreciate the beautiful day.

I notice Lakyn sitting on the grass. He’s on his back, staring up at the clouds. Again. I long to go out to him, but I don’t. I can’t. There isn’t anything I can say. He sits out there when he’s trying to connect with dad, when he’s trying to think of what dad would say.

I can’t help him with that. I didn’t know dad the way they did. Kaleb, Alek and Lakyn tell me how fun dad used to be, how carefree. But I didn’t remember that. I remembered him being fatherly, definitely. But fun-loving? No. I remember him being rough. I remember him shaping Kaleb and Alek into the people they are today, and I remember Lakyn taking after them.

Mum, on the other hand, didn’t swear much at all. She’s a pure people pleaser. She and dad are such opposites it’s frightening. But, opposites attract, right?

Obviously. Since I’m attracted to my brothers in the exact same way.

I scowl to myself and climb off the bed. I walk to my wardrobe and pull out a pair of three quarter length jeans and a short-sleeved shirt. Of course, I can’t forget my thin cardigan, because my scars are still healing.

_But would they care if they saw? After what you said?_

Of… of course! Of course, they would care. So I couldn’t show them.

_Or maybe, if they saw, they’d stop ignoring you…_

Maybe… but… but no. I can’t. I need my cardigan.

I pull it from my wardrobe and head to the bathroom. As I walk past the kitchen, I spy Alek drinking from the carton of orange juice. He’s wearing only his boxers and I hate the way my eyes stick to his chest, to his abdomen. I wish I could like that. Maybe if I work harder, maybe if I go to the gym… but where’s the time?

Alek finishes the carton of juice and drops it in the bin, stretching his arms wide and yawning. I wonder if he’s only just woken up, like me. But, I heard him go to bed last night. I heard them all. Although, nothing stops them from staying up and talking to friends. Friends who they have, and I don’t.

I shake the depressing thought from my mind and continue walking to the bathroom. I dump my clothes on top of the closed toilet seat, and then knock on mum’s door. I don’t hear anything, and slowly push it open, peering inside. Her bed is neatly made, and her work clothes are gone. I sigh, shutting the door. I wince when it closes loudly and Alek’s voice calls out.

“Lake? Is that you--” He cuts himself off and I glance over my shoulder to see him standing in the kitchen doorway. His eyebrows are raised for a second, but then they narrow and he glowers at me. I bite my lip, turning around fully to go to the bathroom. Alek doesn’t say anything to me, instead turning around and disappearing back into the kitchen.

I try not to let it hurt.

I close the bathroom door behind me and lock it. I also kick the laundry basked in front of it, as an extra measure. Not that it matters, since nobody is going to come in. I sigh, taking myself to the vanity and staring at my reflection, just as I did last night. I hate my appearance. I hate that I look like a girl, with my longish hair and delicate features. My small nose, my high cheekbones. I hate it all.

I hate that I feel hurt easily, too. Remembering how Alek ignored me earlier, how he glowered at me and turned away, makes my eyes sting. I duck my head to the basin, shaking it vigorously. How could I be so pathetic? How could I ruin my family because of my stupid mouth? I sigh. How could I ruin myself?

I stare down at my scars, at my hand that has healed but still shows the cut from the night I ruined everything. I stare at my nails, broken from the same night, but also healing. I wish I could stare at my heart, shattered into a million pieces… and not healing.

Why am I so good at hurting not only myself but others? Didn’t mum always tell me to make a living out what I’m good at? Well, it seems I am.

I turn away from the vanity and strip down. I climb into the shower, turning the spray on hot. Very hot. My skin tingles and burns, but I don’t care. My fingers stray for the cold tap, but I slap my wrist. Maybe I deserve to hurt. To feel what everybody else feels. God, maybe mum should have stopped after Lakyn. She didn’t need another child. Dad didn’t _want_ another child. God, why couldn’t they have stopped before having me?

I stand under the boiling spray for a long time. So long, it’s not until I feel it going cold that I finally turn it off, cursing myself for being selfish. I grab my towel and bury my face in it. I can’t stand this. I can’t stand this. I hate acting like a child, when I’m not. I’ll be eighteen soon enough. I need to focus on my future.

Do I even have a future?

Yes, I do. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

But I don’t have a present.

That’s not true.

Isn’t it?

I silently curse and finish drying myself off. I pull on my clothes and head back to my bedroom. I don’t peek into the kitchen. All I’ll see is Alek, and maybe it’ll set my stomach off. But I can’t eat. If I eat, I might vomit. I sit on the edge of my bed and tug my socks on. I then slide on my shoes and whistle for Mindy.

Out in the yard, Lakyn jerks. His head tilts my way. For a second our eyes meet, and my entire world stops. Only a second, though. He turns away, looks back to the sky, and I know I’ve been dismissed. It hurts just as much as Alek ignoring me. As Alek turning away from me. I can’t wait for Kaleb to return home and do the same.

Mindy comes jumping into my bedroom a second later, and I sigh, grabbing a fistful of her fur to ground myself. She’s a gorgeous breed, a gorgeous persona. Shit, what would I do without her?

“Would you like to go for a walk?” I ask, and Mindy wags her tail. I release her and stand up. Mindy follows me, barking once as she runs around my legs and then out into the hallway. I smile at her enthusiasm, grabbing my phone and following her. I ponder whether I should tell somebody I’m leaving, but decide against it.

It’s time to be more independent.

I walk past the empty lounge room and kitchen, briefly wondering where Alek is. I don’t think about it too much – or, at least, I try not to. Mindy sits by the front door patiently, tongue hanging and tail wagging. She barks at me as I approach her, standing up and doing the puppy bow at the door. I laugh softly grabbing her leash and collar and opening the front door.

Mindy bounds out, running up the drive and wagging her tail a lot faster. She looks up and down the street, ears raised and tongue still hanging. I follow her at a slower pace, clicking my tongue as I begin walking down the street, in the direction of the dog park. Mindy happily trots after me, tail continuing to wag as we pass by houses with kids playing out the front, and a couple with dogs who come bounding to the fence to greet us.

Mindy happily greets them in return before running ahead of me. I walk with the company of a gentle breeze for twenty minutes, and then the park is in view. Mindy sees it at the same time I do, and she barks gleefully and takes off at a run. I watch with a smile, until she approaches a road and doesn’t slow down. My smile drops and I stagger into a run.

“Mindy, hey! Wait!”

But it’s too late, she’s bound onto the road… and across it safely. I stop running, almost dropping to my knees as I sigh in relief. Holy shit. I shake my head, joining her across the road. There are many other dogs and people, and Mindy sits by a tree, waiting for me. As I approach, she puppy bow’s again and grabs a stick.

I laugh, taking the stick from her and throwing it. She runs off, lithe body moving gracefully with the wind, and I drop her leash, collar and my phone by the tree, sitting down against it and watching as she comes bounding back. I throw the stick again. Mindy and I stay there for a long time. Maybe just over an hour. My arm begins to hurt when she brings me the stick back for the hundredth time and I laugh, shaking my head as she drops down to pant beside me.

“No more, girl.” I say, reaching to rub her belly. Mindy barks happily at me, rolling onto her back to give me easier access. I smile down at her, continuing to rub and lose myself in the peaceful moment.

Until the wind changes and I realise how dark it’s become, but not because of the time. I look up, blinking rapidly as I notice for the first time the grey clouds overhead and the beginning patter of rain. There’s a distant rumble, too far to mean anything, but it makes my blood go cold and I quickly stand up.

“Mindy,” I click my tongue at her as I begin walking back the way we came. Mindy jumps up and follows me quickly, staying by my side as we race back across the road and back in the direction of the house. I worry about how long it’s going to take me, whether I’ll make it in time before the storm fully hits, or if I should stop somewhere.

But there’s nowhere I could stop that would allow Mindy inside. I quicken my pace and hurry along the street, looking down continuously to make sure Mindy is by my side. She is. I keep going, trying to soothe my racing heart as I walk a little faster. There’s another rumble, this one closer, and the wind picks up ferociously, bringing with it a whole lot of rain. I curse as the wind catches me, pushing me back instead of dragging me forward. It doesn’t catch Mindy, though, and she races ahead, unaware of my predicament.

“Mindy!” I shout as the wind and rain becomes heavier. I reach for her collar and leash, ready to put them on her, when I freeze in shock. Shit. I stop resisting the wind and turn back the way we just came. I’m almost halfway home, but…

My phone.

“Shit.” I turn around, glaring past the rain to spy Mindy. I can’t see her. Panic begins to churn in my stomach, but I try to force it down. I try to think this through, but it’s incredibly difficult when I hate rain and it’s pelting me from every direction.

“Mindy!” I shout again, louder this time. I don’t know what to do. The wind picks up again, and I realise now she’s been trying to warn me, but I’ve been oblivious. The rain falls heavier, and now a crack comes from overhead. My entire body seizes. For a second, I can’t move. I can hear my heart pounding in my chest, I can feel the rain soaking me. I can feel the panic rising, but then I see Mindy, racing back towards me.

She’s just as soaked as I am, but she’s happy. She wags her tail and stops by my side and I drop down to hold her fur. Shit. I look back over my shoulder, unable to decide whether to return to the park or to head home and ask a brother to take me.

But would they? Probably not.

I silently scream, huddling against Mindy as the rain and the wind and thunder keep going. I try to tell myself _it’s fine, I’m fine_ , when I hear a crack and then see fork lightning hit not too far from me. I gasp, squeezing my eyes shut as thunder cracks ten times louder. My fingers clench around Mindy, holding her tight, not wanting to move at all.

But I need to. I need to. I need to decide which way I’m going to go.

I stagger to my feet, one hand still curled around Mindy’s fur, and then I stumble forward, in the direction of the house. I cringe and jump every time lightning flashes, and every time thunder cracks. It takes all my self-discipline to not collapse in a ball and cry. I can feel my entire body shaking as I finally stumble onto my street, my fingers almost frozen around Mindy now as the rain continues to soak me.

We get to the drive way right as Kaleb’s truck begins to back out. I gasp, releasing Mindy as I stumble back. The truck jumps as it breaks, and then Kaleb is hopping out. He slams the door behind me and grabs me. I stumble away from him, but he grabs my shoulders.

“Shit. _Shit_. Where the fuck have you been?”

I open my mouth to answer him, but no words escape and Kaleb pushes me to the front door. I shove it open, and Mindy comes bounding in behind me. She shakes herself off in the hallway and then bounds to her food bowl which is, surprisingly, full.

“Did you find him?” Lakyn shouts from the kitchen, and then he’s there, staring at me from the doorway. His eyes gloss over for a second, and his lips open and I hold my breath, thinking he might say something. He might talk to me. But then he closes his mouth and turns back to the kitchen. I’m left with nothing but disappointment.

Kaleb walks in behind me, pushing my shoulder as he closes the front door. He pushes me into the kitchen, where Lakyn is standing at the counter, serving up lamb and vegetables. He doesn’t turn around to look at us as we enter. Alek is sitting at the table, playing on his phone. He scowls at me, tossing his phone across the table.

“When someone texts you, you generally text back.” Alek snaps, and I shiver, wrapping my arms over my chest.

“I lost my phone.” I murmur. “And Mindy’s leash and collar.”

Alek’s scowl deepens as he shakes his head. Kaleb stalks past me, grabbing a mug and filling it with milk. He shoves it in the microwave and then turns to pin me with a glare.

“Is this how you plan on getting our attention?” He growls. “By acting stupid? Reckless?”

I shake my head, taking a step back to the doorway. “No. No. I took Mindy for a walk--”

“You didn’t tell anybody.” Kaleb pressed, his words short, sharp.

“No, because you’ve been ignoring me--”

“No, we have not--”

“Yes, you have!” I shout. Kaleb stares at me, as does Alek. Lakyn doesn’t, but he freezes. I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry.” I murmur. “But you have. And I understand, but that doesn’t mean that you get to give a shit when it suits you.”

Nobody says anything, so I turn around and head into the bathroom. I strip my soaked clothes off and slip into the shower. The hot water hasn’t returned, but it’s warm enough to soothe me. I don’t linger, though. I quickly wash myself down and then step out. It’s not until then I realise my mistake. No clothes to change in to.

I curse softly, drying myself down and then wrapping my towel around my waist. I open the bathroom door a fraction, peering out. When it looks clear, I take a hesitant step out. I hurry past the kitchen, hoping nobody will call me. But, just my luck.

“Jayke.”

I freeze, giving them my back. I glance over my shoulder, not daring to turn around. The white scars are more evident on my warm, red skin. Lakyn eyes me, setting dishes down in front of Kaleb and Alek. His eyes flicker across my bare back, and I feel my cheeks beginning to warm, but then his eyes lift to mine.

“Dinner’s ready.” He sets down a fourth bowl. My bowl. I don’t say anything, I don’t know what to say. Suddenly they’re talking to me again? I don’t buy it. I can’t.

I stumble past and into my bedroom where I drop my towel and pull on a pair of tracksuit and a long-sleeved but loose-fitting shirt. Not too warm. I then return to the kitchen, standing hesitantly in the doorway before entering slowly. Kaleb lifts his head as I approach and stands up. I stupidly flinch back, but he ignores me as he opens the microwave and pulls out the mug of milk, setting it down by my bowl.

He doesn’t say anything, none of them do. I wonder if things have changed, or if they’ll forget my existence again.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Jayke -**

I gaze across the ocean. There’s a gentle lull in the waves as they dance back to the shoreline. A sweet tang to the air, one that could only be seaweed as it drifts to surface. I run my fingers through the golden sand on either side of me, lifting it and watching as it pours through my fingers. I lean back, closing my eyes to the sun.

I want to stay here forever.

“Jayke! Hey, Jayke!” I blink my eyes open, tilting my head to see Lakyn running over. He wears blue shorts and nothing else. His hair is brushed back, and his lips are full as he beams at me. It’s contagious, and my own lips split as I smile back.

He drops down to his knees beside me, still beaming as he takes my hand in his, and pulls me towards him. I gasp, my jaw going slack as his lips fall upon mine. I shudder, and attempt to pull away. But Lakyn doesn’t let me, and I find myself leaning into the kiss.

His lips are soft, the way he kisses me is gentle, tender. Loving. I shiver, pressing closer, and Lakyn’s hands drop around me, holding my waist as he draws me closer. He nips at my lower lip, and the buzz goes straight to my lower regions. I gasp, pressing closer to him as he lays back on the sand, pulling me down on top of him. One of his knees slides between mine, rubbing my growing bulge, and it sends sparks through me. I can feel myself growing harder, my fingers trembling as I twist them into Lakyn’s shoulders, and all Lakyn does is continue kissing me in his slow rhythm.

I begin grinding down on top of him as the pressure builds in my cock. I press my hips firmly against his thigh, shamefully rutting as I feel myself drawing closer and closer. Lakyn’s hands run down my back, past the line of my shorts and to my backside. His long, lean fingers give me a squeeze and pull me closer. I gasp, pressing my temple to his shoulder as I continue moving against him, chasing my release, desperate for it.

When it hits, I’m unprepared. I almost cry from the shock, but hold it together as the world around me twists and turns and moulds into another. I sit up, Lakyn gone from beneath me. I’m sitting on the couch in our living area. I blink, turning around in surprise when Alek walks through the door.

I look up at him and then immediately divert my eyes. Shit. I open my mouth to apologise for… for not being in my bedroom, maybe. But Alek doesn’t give me a chance. He walks straight over to me, a fire in his step as his hand comes out and grabs the back of my neck. He pulls me closer, touches his lips to mine, and my entire body feels shocked as I sit there.

Alek deepens the kiss. He isn’t soft and gentle like Lakyn. He takes. His tongue pushes into my mouth, and his hands are rough as they find my shoulders, pushing me backwards, down onto the couch. Once I’m laying down, he crawls on top of me, and his hands run along my shoulders, pushing off the shirt I didn’t realise I was wearing.

I don’t stop him. My scars don’t register. In fact, I think they’re gone.

But I don’t stop to look as Alek bites my shoulder. My cock swells as he begins to nibble along my collarbone and down my chest. His teeth find my nipple, biting it and licking it and I gasp, tilting my head back and jerking my hips up as he continues wrecking me.

One of his big palms comes down to rest on my hips, pushing me back down onto the couch. I shake my head, desperate to press up, to feel him all around me, but he continues to hold me down. I didn’t think I’d like this. Being restrained. But the more Alek does it, the more he controls me, the more my heart pounds and my cock hardens. He continues holding me down as he lowers himself, closer and closer. I shiver, I bite my lip. I need him to touch me. I need him to touch me with his mouth.

My eyes nearly roll into the back of my head just at the thought. I can feel myself growing closer and closer to the edge again, and I don’t try to contain it. I almost begin thrashing in earnest, doing my best to rise my hips. Alek doesn’t let me.

I feel myself getting closer and closer as Alek bites my thigh, licking a long, hot stripe up it, to my hip.

“Oh. God. Please.” My voice murmurs. My voice? I press a hand to my mouth. I don’t want to hear myself. God, that’s awful. I sound like a whiny princess.

Alek’s rougher hand takes mine and pulls it away. He leans up and stares down at me. His gaze intense. I stare right back. I wonder if maybe he’ll say something. He doesn’t.

The world twists and turns and caves in on itself again, and I’m back in my bedroom. I’m sitting on my bed, a book in my lap. I stare down at it. I can’t quite make out the words, so I squint at it harder, wondering what’s wrong with my eyes. My bedroom door creaks open, and I glance up, expecting it to be Kaleb, for some reason.

It’s not.

I stare in shock at the large, human-sized knife that steps inside. The scissors that follow. The book falls out of my lap as I scramble backwards, pushing myself against the window behind me. I stare at the knife, the scissors, the lighter that step into my bedroom.

Worry begins to churn in my stomach as I watch them, as they grow closer to me. I attempt to slide further back, but they come to stand around my bed. They all glare down at me, the knife and scissors with small bits of blood and flesh stuck to their sharp edges, the lighter flicking the flame every couple of seconds. Nausea rises in my stomach. I swallow repeatedly, pressing up against the glass. I hear it crack, and it seems to spark something from the three monsters, who begin a soft chant that grows louder.

“Use me. Use me. Use me.” They press closer around the bed. I stare at them, fear now making its way through my blood. I press back harder as they scramble onto the bed, the knife almost cutting me. I stifle a shout of panic, throwing myself back against the window. I hear it crack again, but pay it no mind as the scissors snip right in front of my face.

“Use me. Use me. Use me.” I press my cheek to the glass, squeezing my eyes shut as the lighter flares, almost burning me.

“No.” I manage, shaking my head. “No. Go away. Go away--!”

The glass gives way behind me and I fall backward with a shout. The shout slowly transitions into a scream as I slam into my bed and then jolt upright.

***

My chest aches as I breathe heavily, looking around desperately. My bedroom is dark, the blinds drawn shut. Mindy sleeps at the foot of my bed, curled into a small ball.

Everything looks the way it did last night, when I went to bed.

Slowly, I sit up and grab the closest thing with writing on it. A piece of paper on my bedside table. I stare at it, begging myself to be able to read it, to let me know I’m not dreaming anymore.

_Jayke,_

_Breakfast is on the table. Lunch is in the fridge. Eat them both._

_Kaleb._

I reread it a couple of times. Yes, I can definitely read it. And yes, it is definitely from Kaleb.

Sighing, I check my clock. 8AM. I sigh, pushing my way out of bed. I stop, though, when I feel something slimy under my fingertips. Frowning, I look down at the white mess, confused for only a second before realisation hits and my cheeks burn.

Standing up, I hastily strip my sheets off, doing my best to not disturb Mindy. I gather them in my arms and make my way to the laundry room, praying I don’t run in to anybody on my way. I slide my sheets into the washing machine, reaching for the powder as the backyard laundry door swings open.

I jolt violently as mum walks inside, carrying a washing basket full of dry clothes. She blinks at me in surprise, and I attempt to control my breathing as I greet her with a soft smile.

“Good morning.” I murmur, shutting the washing machine with a rapidly beating heart. Mum beams at me, setting the basket down so she can draw me in for a hug. I bite my lip as she drops a kiss on my cheek, eyeing the machine. Mum holds me tight for a second before leaning back and picking up the washing.

“Good morning, darling.” She turns to leave the laundry. “I’m off to work in a minute, are you heading to school?”

I hum under my breath as I turn to the washing machine, switching it on and praying to God nothing like that ever happens again. I glance back at mum as she steps into the living area, one eye on me as she waits for a response. I quickly follow her, picking up my uniform from the laundry basket as I pass her.

“Yes. Heading to school.” Even though I would rather bury myself in my blankets and never come out. “Where are, um…” I trail off, holding my uniform tightly to my chest.

Mum doesn’t need me to elaborate. She places the basket of dry washing down on the couch, and sits beside it, pulling out articles of clothing which she begins to slowly fold. “Kaleb left for work an hour ago. Alek has gone to school. I hope.” She tacks on the last bit as she builds four small piles of folded clothes on the coffee table. “Lakyn is outside.”

I nod, stepping past her to change into my uniform. I don’t make it very far, before her voice catches me. “Jayke?”

I glance over my shoulder, trying not to let my anxiety show. She smiles at me. The best smile in the world. “I’ll be heading out soon, too. Could you please put Mindy outside before you leave for school?”

I nod quickly, ducking down the hallway and back into my bedroom where I strip my clothes off and pull my uniform on. I don’t want to go to school. Really, truly do not. I stumble around my bedroom, picking up things and placing them in their correct position, before I walk over to my bed and climb onto it. Mindy lifts her head as I disrupt her. I kiss her on the head and open my blinds, and then my window.

Lakyn is outside. Of course. Mum said that. He doesn’t notice me as I usher Mindy out. He’s too busy staring at the sky. Losing himself in its expanse. I watch him, watching the sky. He looks so peaceful. I want nothing more than to slip from my window and walk over to him. To lay down beside him.

I sit back and close my window instead. I slide off my bed and leave my bedroom. Mum stands at the front door, shuffling through her bag. She looks up at me as I approach. She smiles, pressing a kiss to my cheek as I pick up my shoes at the front door.

“Get to school safely. I’ll see you in the morning.” She disappears out the door as I’m sliding a shoe onto my foot. I wait until I hear her car’s engine rev, and the tell-tale sound of it reversing from the driveway. I drop the shoe I’m in the middle of sliding on, and slide the other off my foot. I walk back to my bedroom, throwing myself onto my bed. I don’t close my door. I roll face first onto my pillow, and cling.

I lay there for ages. Hours maybe. I don’t sleep. Couldn’t. Despite how exhausted I feel.

I hear Lakyn enter the house at some point. He brings Mindy in with him. I wonder if he thinks I’m at school. It’s possible. I don’t slide out of bed to greet him, or to tell him I’m home.

_He doesn’t care anyway._

I squeeze my eyes shut tight and press my face into my pillow. I wonder if the school will call the house, or mum’s mobile, to tell somebody of my absence. I wonder if they care enough. If anybody cares enough.

 _Of course, they do. Kaleb left you a note. He made you breakfast_ and _lunch._ I bite my lip, lifting my head to glance over at the note that still sits on my bedside table. I reach for it, bringing it to my face so I can reread it. It’s abrupt. A clear message.

I sigh, placing it down and burying my face in my pillow again. I’ve probably missed breakfast. And I don’t think I could handle lunch. Not if Lakyn is out there.

I slowly sit up, running a hand down my face as I slide to the edge of the bed. I stare down at the note. Maybe it should be a clear way for Kaleb to tell me he cares. But I couldn’t see it.

Mindy bounds into my bedroom. I snap my head up at her presence, stifling a shout of surprise as she runs up to me, leaping onto the bed beside me. Her tongue hangs out of her mouth as she licks my face, slathering me in slobber. I chuckle, pushing her away.

“You care about me, don’t you?” I twist my fingers in her fur, holding her close. I stare deep into her dark eyes. She stares back. Only for a second, and then she leans forward and lathers me in slobber again. I chuckle, again, pushing her away. “I’ll take that as a--”

“Shouldn’t you be at school?”

I freeze. I don’t know why that’s my first instinct. Lakyn has never raised a hand at me, or tried to hurt me.

_Except through his words._

I peer up at him as he stands in my doorway, arms crossed over his chest. I bite my lip, shrugging. Lakyn scowls at my shrug, shaking his head.

“Yes. You are.” His voice is different to how it’s been before. Angrier. “Fuck, Jayke. How are you going to get anywhere in life if you skip school?”

I open my mouth, to defend myself. Alek skips school all the time. Lakyn _left_ school. Kaleb dropped out.

“God.” Lakyn snaps, turning away. I stare at his back. He’s in a low-cut singlet, that shows his chest, back and arm muscles. I’ve always dreamed to look like Lakyn. A lithe, strong body. Lakyn rubs at his face, at his eyes. He shakes his head and turns back to me. “What are you doing? Get up. Go. You are not missing school.”

I stare at him. My jaw is slack. I don’t want to go. Lakyn stares right back. There’s a fire in his eyes. A fire I haven’t seen before. I don’t like it. I continue to stare at him, trying to find the words I want to say. I don’t want to upset him. But I don’t want to go.

Something seems to snap in Lakyn. At my silence, maybe. His face turns red, and I worry he’s about to cry. I stand up and walk over to him. I reach for him. I don’t know why. I want to reassure him. I touch his arm.

“Lake--”

He jerks away from me and shouts. “Don’t touch me, Jayke! Go!”

I freeze, my heart bursting in my chest. I stare at him, my jaw working, trying to find the words-- why can I never find the words?!

“Go!” Lakyn screams. I flinch backwards, catching my arm on something in my doorway. I hiss, looking down at it. It’s cut right through my blouse, a rigid nail sticking out of the doorway. When I was younger, it held my baby gate. Now, it cut me deep.

I loved it.

But it hurt. God, it hurt.

Lakyn didn’t seem to notice. Or, maybe he did. But he didn’t care.

“I said go!”

I snap my head up to him and nod rapidly, grabbing my backpack. I don’t turn back to him as I hurry down the hallway. I grab my shoes and slide them on, fumbling for the door. My arm hurts so much, but I ignore the pain. I try to, at least.

I stumble out the door, up the driveway. I start walking down the sidewalk. And then I break into a run. There’s pain in my arm, and now there’s pain in my chest. I rub at my eyes as they sting. I continue running. I bypass the school. I bypass the park. I keep running, until I collapse.

I’m thankful for the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for my sudden disappearance. University thrashed me. It's done now for 4 months, so I'll be hopefully spending the majority of those months doing what I love -- writing. 
> 
> Thank you for your patience!!


	8. Chapter Eight

**Jayke -**

I wake up to a face full of grass. I groan and roll over, lifting my arm to rub at my face, but the pain is intense and immediate and I gasp, sitting upright. My arm aches, stings. It feels like it should have fallen off, but it’s still intact and aching.

I swallow thickly, and cradle it to my chest. It aches like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, and I slowly roll onto my knees, looking around. I’m not in an immediately familiar place, I have no clue where I am, how to get home. I reach for my phone and remember that I don’t have it.

 _Shit_.

I run a hand down my face and slowly stand up. My legs quake beneath me but I stumble upright, and I stumble to a tree, which I lean on and catch my breath. I feel as if I’ve run a marathon. I lower myself to my knees, leaning heavily against the trunk. I stare up past the branches, at the setting sun. It’s still a couple hours off dusk, but the night musk is setting in.

My arm twinges painfully as I slowly rise to my feet. I take a couple of seconds to stabilise myself, and begin walking in a direction I pray will show some familiarity eventually. But nothing grows familiar, nothing reaches out at me as a way of returning home. I chew my lower lip and grip my arm tighter, glancing up at street signs as I pass them, and peering at buildings in hope something triggers a memory.

_Damn idiot for running._

I squeeze my eyes shut and stop walking. My knees tremble, are beginning to grow weak. My body aches and I want nothing more than to collapse. So, I do. I lower myself to my knees and I crawl across the cement to the edge of the pavement. I cross my legs beneath me and drop my head.

_But Lakyn told me to go._

_He meant school. Surely, he meant school._

I shake my head. Why am I an idiot? Why didn’t I go to school? Because I didn’t want to? Because I’m defiant? I swallow thickly. I can’t live in a bubble of desperation. I can’t rely on my brothers to protect to me, to be there for me. I need to… I need to grow up.

And I can start now, by finding my way home. I lift my head and open my eyes, looking up and down the street. I don’t recognise any more than I did before, but there’s a burning in my gut that has me rising to my feet and clutching my arm tighter to my chest.

I walk down the street and turn right, inhaling deeply when nothing immediately jumps out at me as being familiar. I don’t stop walking, taking a left eventually. God bless when I see a sign directing to my school. I slow my walking to an easier pace, and my heart pounds hard against my chest. My cheeks begin to warm, and I almost drop to my knees when I finally catch sight of my school gates.

It’s easy directing myself home after that. I stumble along the roads, and the longer I walk, stagger, I feel warm slick blood running down my arm and clogging my white sleeves, sticking them to my arm. But the pain is only a dull ache now, and it’s easy to ignore. I sigh in relief at the sight of the driveway, and I shove my shoulder against the front door, tripping over my feet as I collapse inside.

“Alek?” Lakyn’s voice calls, and I glance up from where I’m sprawled on the floor as he walks around the kitchen doorway. At the sight of me his eyes widen and then narrow. “Jayke, I told you--” He cuts himself off as I stiffly push myself to my feet, biting my lip over a groan. “Are you bleeding?”

“No.” I manage, shoving my way into the bathroom. Lakyn’s footsteps follow me, but I slam the door in his face. “I’m not.”

His palm hits the door. “Jayke--”

“I’m _not_.” I stress, clicking the lock and catching myself against the vanity. I reach for the sleeve and gasp at the heat and pain that throbs and radiates from my arm, from the scab. How could such a little screw, a little nail in a door--

I push the question away and scramble to open the vanity draws. I pull out disinfectant and cotton balls and swab some and press it firm to the bleeding, weeping tear. The sharp sting brings a swelling wetness to my eyes and I bite my lip hard, squeezing my eyes shut as I beg past the pain.

“Jayke, open the door.” The doorhandle jiggles, and his fist hits again, the desperation and frustration is clear. He wants to get in here. But I won’t let him. Not as his palm continues to smack against the wood, alternating between palm and fist hits. It’s violent, but I know he won’t hurt me. It’s all noise, but my shoulders are drawing taut. I shake my head, pushing his commotion to the back of my mind.

I need to grow up. I need to be stronger. I can’t spend my life relying on them. I need to leave, to get my own place, my own job. Leave them alone.

I swipe against the blood again, against the gore. I wipe it clean and blink the tears away. I throw the bloody cotton balls in the rubbish and pull a bandage from the drawer. The more I clean it, the clearer my head becomes. The pounding disintegrates and my weak knees stop trembling. The smell of blood, of iron, is replaced by a more clinical smell which doesn’t make me want to pass out. I pour disinfectant against the wound and hiss as I hastily wrap it up with the bandage.

All the while, Lakyn’s voice is growing louder, more fraught. “Jayke. _Jayke_ , I swear, if you don’t open this door, I’ll kick it down. You know I will. What happened? That’s… that’s a lot of blood, Jayke, open the door!”

I bunch my school blouse up and toss it in the laundry hamper. I grab a towel and hook it around my shoulders, using it to cover the pale scars that still litter my arms, and I open the door. Lakyn almost falls into the bathroom, but he catches himself and whips his head up, eyes narrowing on me. He grabs my arm but I twist free and push past him.

“Jayke!”

“It’s fine.” It’s fine. It’s all fine. I can’t rely on you anymore, dammit. I trot down the hallway and step into my bedroom. Mindy lifts her head from my bed and my breath escapes me at the sight of her. Relief fills me because I’m not alone. I close my bedroom door and drop the towel, grabbing my pyjama shirt and dragging it over my shoulders as Lakyn barges in. “Could you knock, please--”

“Stop it.” Lakyn reaches for me, grabbing my wrist and jerking me towards him. As soon as his hand is on my I inhale sharply and try to step away, but I’ve always been the weaker brother. He rips my pyjama sleeve up and brushes the gauze now around my arm. He exhales shakily and snaps his head up to me. “What happened?”

“Nothing.” I attempt to twist free, not liking his hands on me like this, so close to discovering my old, fading scars. Lakyn’s grip tightens and he shakes his head, his eyes flickering across the bandage and then lowering. His eyebrows jump, and his hand drops to mine, to hold mine tight.

His hand is incredibly soft, incredibly gentle. My mouth goes dry to feel his fingers against my palm, but it’s fleeting because a second later he’s running his finger across my newest scar, more of a scab, still healing. The accidental one, from the other night, with the glass… I swallow thickly, a blinding panic building in my chest. My nails are also still wrecked, my entire hand looks like it’s been mutilated and hastily put back together, but it’s shit quality.

I mentally stab myself. I’ve been doing so well, been so good at keeping it hidden, keeping my physical scars to myself, but a stupid slip up and I’m done. I’m goddamn done.  

“What is this?” Lakyn’s voice is hollow. “What have you done?”

“Nothing.” I successfully tug my palm free, and it’s probably because Lakyn is frozen on the spot, his eyes not leaving my palm. Not until I press it to my chest and stare at him. His eyes lift and his Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows.

“Jayke, did you…”

“No.” I state firmly, but my voice wobbles. I hear it, but I pray Lakyn didn’t. “No, I-- It was accidental.”

“Accidental?”

“Yes.”

Lakyn is silent for a moment. It’s a terrifying moment, and the panic in my chest spreads through my entire body, leaving me numb. But I appreciate it. I grasp the numbness and I squeeze it tightly as I stare at Lakyn, who stares right back. He turns and leaves without saying anything, and rather abruptly. He closes my door behind him, and as soon as he’s gone, I drop on the edge of my bed, my shoulders dropping.

Mindy slides across the bed and rests her head on my thigh. Her warmth is incredibly calming and I slide my fingernails against her scalp, noticing their brokenness clearer now. They look awful, as does the still-healing scab on my palm. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. God, no. What am I going to do? Lakyn won’t let this go. He’s going to go tell Kaleb, and Alek, and… no. No, no, no.

“Fuck, Mindy, what am I going to do?” A pointless question, which receives no answer. I shake my head vigorously, running my fingers through her fur and gripping tightly. Mindy doesn’t whine, only tucks herself against me, a calming, loving move which has my heart pounding and the numbness seeping away. I reach for it, desperate to pull it back, but it’s dying, and I’m losing my shield.

I shake my head at my own words, twisting around and pressing down on top of Mindy. “There isn’t anything I can do. They’re going to find out. They’re going to know how much of a true failure I am. They’re going to disown me. Send me away. Oh, God, Mindy, they’re going to--” I cut myself off with a gasp for air, and I bury my face against her fur, against her stomach. She whines this time, and her warm tongue licks at my hand. My entire body trembles against her, and a lump grows in my throat, and it’s increasingly hard to keep it down.

_A failure._

_I am._

I choke and sit up, scrubbing at my face. My mind is a mess and I push myself to my feet. I leave my bedroom, my heart deafeningly thumping in my chest, and blood gushing in my ears. I walk past the kitchen, where I see Lakyn sitting, talking on the phone. He jerks upright when I stalk past, and I hear his hasty _hold on_ in the receiver as he shoves his chair back.

“Jayke?” His footsteps follow me down the hallway, but I ignore him as I turn into the bathroom. “Wait, Jayke--!”

I slam the door in his face for the second time that day, and I click the lock. As soon as it’s done I stumble back and lower myself onto the bathtub. My chest aches and my entire body is shaky. I grip the edges of the tub and duck my head, barely able to hear Lakyn’s pounding and his calls over the rushing in my ears.

_A failure._

_Have truer words ever been spoken?_

I long for the numbness to return. To stop myself from taking actions that would bring it back, unnaturally. My fingers itch, and I lift my head to mirror. A single punch would smash it, and a single shard would be enough--

_No, no, you can’t--_

Why not? _Why not_? I want to scream it. Why can’t I do what I want? It’s my body. It doesn’t affect anybody but myself.

I grip the side of the tub harder. My broken nails ache as I feel them give way. Pain laces up my fingers and into my bloodstream and I duck my head again, gripping tighter.

_Don’t do it, Jayke. Fuck, don’t do it. Have a shower. A nice, boiling shower. Until your skin goes red. Is that not better than taking pain that won’t go away with one cut?_

Warm tears leak down my cheeks and I inhale shakily, trying to keep them back, but it’s a steadily streaming tap. I can’t stop them.

“Jayke?” Lakyn’s voice is exhausted, but desperate. He’s always so desperate. Like me, yeah? “Jayke, you’re scaring me. Could you… could you please…”

I rise to my feet and walk to the shower. I lean in and turn the taps on, with a heavier emphasis on the heat. I stand back, the thrashing of the water against the tiles deafening me to Lakyn’s soft voice, but not his pounding. And not his shouting.

“Jayke! Jayke, I swear, please, open the door. Jayke! Jayke, Kaleb says-” of course, he called Kaleb “--he’ll be home in twenty minutes, just, please, Jayke, answer me so I know you’re okay--”

I step into the hot spray and the water running down my back, across my arms, into my fresh wounds, aches. My entire body aches, but I stand there, unmoving. Water thrashes me and I stare blankly at the glass around me, my mind wandering at all the possibilities, until I shut it down. I grab the soap and start lathering myself. My movements are aggressive, but don’t hurt me. Not until the soap slips from my grip and I don’t stop. Where soap once lathered, scratches now replace, deep and red.

I scratch at myself and stand beneath the burning hit of water until the heat disappears. I turn the shower off and step out. As soon as I do, as soon as I have a towel around my waist and another around my shoulders, I turn to the door and open it.

Lakyn is sitting opposite the door, against the hallway wall, knees splayed and an unlit cigarette between his lips. He blinks up at me as I emerge, and I notice his red-rimmed eyes, but I don’t pass commentary. I’m beginning to numb again, and I love it.

I walk down the hallway, and Lakyn scrambles to his feet behind me, voice hoarse. “Jayke, stop.”

Despite my better judgment, I do. I feel his presence come up behind me, and he reaches for my hand. That’s as far as I allow him to go, tensing my entire body. He doesn’t say anything more, and I shake my head, pulling free, and it’s easy because his hold is limp.

“Mindy,” I call, walking to my bedroom. I peer inside at the dog, still laying on my bed, blissed out. Unaware. Except, she is. Mindy is always aware of my emotions. She lifts her head at my call, and I click my tongue. “Come pee.”

She follows me through to the backdoor, and I push the backdoor open and let her out. I hear Lakyn follow me, but always keeping his distance. I let the backdoor slam shut behind me as I turn around and brush past him, returning to my bedroom. He continues to follow me.

He could follow me all he liked, but I wouldn’t be letting him back in my bubble, in my space, my head. Because who knows what’ll happen if I do. I need to protect myself now. Protect myself from these ridiculous feelings I have for them, Kaleb, Alek and Lakyn. Disgusting feelings that no younger brother should ever carry for his older ones. I need to keep my walls up, and I need to keep myself sane. I need to keep them sane, too. Away from a brat like me.

“Jayke, if this is about the other night… We didn’t mean it. You’re our little brother, we…” _We love you_. The words I long to here Lakyn say, and maybe he will, but he won’t mean them the way I want him to, the way I need him to.

They’re thoughts I need to keep to myself, though. Forever and ever, until I can find somebody to settle down with, away from this place. Maybe I could disown my family myself, to give them a better chance at a genuine, decent family. What good am I? I could make an elaborate plan to leave, to get myself away. I could do it. I could.

_That’s never going to happen. You need them too much. You’re not fooling anybody. Grow up._

A trillion thoughts wonder in my mind as I walk into my bedroom and close the door behind me. I hear Lakyn shift outside it, lowering himself to the ground in front of my door, but he doesn’t open it. Doesn’t intrude on me. On my space.

_Because he doesn’t care enough to._

I lower myself onto my bed with a shuddering breath.

_Good. That’s good._

**Author's Note:**

> Ages have changed since the original version, as I was 15 and therefore Jayke automatically was, too. 
> 
> I've since grown since then, when I used to make a lot of characters my age, and now Jayke is 17, Lakyn is 18, Alek is 19 and Kaleb is 20. This also works because it's always been canon that Alek repeated a year, and this makes it a little more believable.


End file.
